hi everybody I'm evening ransom welcome to evening TV and the NOAh radio show
and today I want to talk to you about toxic people and what they're doing to
your life and how to get them out of your life. I get contacted all the time
about people are having troubles with their relationships and it could be any
relationship it could be you know from neighbors a boss to kids to parents to
love it love interest you know husband girlfriend boyfriend
whatever it can be give me any of the above and what is what what strikes me
again and again is that people can go you know people that I have identified
that they have had toxic relationships in the past have identified narcissistic
abuse so that they were a victim of narcissistic abuse in the past or even
in the present and they can be talking on and on about a relationship that they
want to make work you know and wanting help and tips and tricks and how could I
make this thing work and they don't recognize that they are with a toxic
person and it is just simply not going to work those of us who have gone
through narcissistic abuse that went back and started in childhood that we
have a particularly difficult time with a very normal thing which it which
everybody does which is which everybody needs to do which is set boundaries on
you know this is what's okay and this is what's not okay and these and this is
the way you can treat me and blah blah we have been so accustomed to being
abused being treated poorly since we were kids that we don't even recognize
it that we don't even recognize it and so
what I've noticed it's we're very late we're very late and figuring out what
our non-negotiables are like what our basic standards are for this is
absolutely not okay and this is okay and I notice this when we had on YouTube
when we had this behavior showing up when people were
reacting so belly and and so many viewers were making excuses for this
behavior it was a difference between some of the viewers and we look I really
look spent the day looking at this a lot they have the people who have channels
have boundaries and have the non-negotiables or they're absolutely
abusive and basically what this is it's a progression and as you heal you come
to the point of getting you're getting your non-negotiables and getting to the
place where you you have these boundaries in place but until we do that
we have a really long long fuse where in fact we've almost even identified
ourselves with our endurance for abuse so to us being a good person for the
longest time the longest time to us being a good person means tolerating
everybody else's bad behavior this is what I recognized and and so what
happens is that the people there are people over in like our community doing
things that they would never get away with doing anywhere else there is no one
else that would ever ever tolerate it but but that they're getting if it gets
tolerated and repeated and and you know it's by you know on YouTube and and they
don't get rejected for it where is there were maybe to a completely get rejected
for it anywhere else so I think that's very interesting and also something to
really take note of because I do believe that that the people that are that
tolerate it will not tolerate it forever that they will the more healing they do
the less tolerant of it they will get less tolerant of it they will be it's
like this it's like I heard this analogy from another youtuber not in our nation
a different niche but she was saying that it's like your life is a party and
we get to invite people into our party and you can only come by invitation and
so if you if you befriend somebody that's like giving them an invitation to
your party if you date somebody that's like getting them an invitation to your
party and so basically you know if you're over there you know talking with
HD tutor you're getting him an invitation to your party and when you
have someone like that come to your party that is someone that has already
told you that he has a habit of he will definitely come in and wear his muddy
shoes and trumple over your house and break your dishes and smoke cigarettes
and you might even take a shit right in the middle of your living room carpet
you know that's the kind of guy that he is a toxic person he's a nurse's to give
user it's a relationship of inevitable harm inevitable harm no one will have a
relationship with that person without ending up in pain and damaged and abused
okay the same is true for what an experience like this is really good for
though is for helping you come with your non-negotiables and so if you didn't
already have them knowing clearly that you want people around you that are
loyal that are thoughtful that are kind that are truthful that are honest that
are that don't fly off the handle that don't have strong opinions that won't
just smear somebody that have integrity and you know these kinds of things it
was clear when when those things were violated it was and it was very attacked
me publicly with lies and slander and defamation that's a non-negotiable for
me that is a person who is telling me that they are not balanced so they're
not healthy and they are definitely have nothing good to offer me they're only
they only have abuse and they're toxic they're toxic people they are basically
wanting to come into my party and stop all over in we are where they're muddy
shoes throughout my house and you know take a shit right in the middle of my
floor I'm the point of having a check in with myself and knowing who I am as a
person and knowing that I am a good friend knowing that it is a it is a
privilege to get to be my friend it is a proof you know it's a privilege to come
to my party and if I wouldn't have good people at my party if I don't have
people at my party that are there you know that I admire that can elevate me
that can teach me things they're gonna take one peek in the door and see if
they know thank you I would rather sum plenty of other parties I can go to
without happy that you know bother myself with this right so you know the
if you hang around with Toxie people you're gonna you're filling up your life
with places there's somebody so much so many places in your life for people and
you filled them up with toxic people you're not gonna have any room for the
good people that can you know support you and be kind to you and say
encouraging things to you and you know introduce you to people that can help
you in your mission any a person who's valuable in your life right so as adults
we have a responsibility to on you know if we said this is our values we won't
have people in our life that match our values you know I don't want to have
people in my life that gossip about people that lie about people that attack
people for no reason that you know I don't want to do that and I wouldn't
expect that's immature it's not that's not healthy adult emotionally immature
behavior and I wouldn't expect to be able to act like that and have anyone
tolerated right and so I'm not going to tolerate there is a person who was an
abuser in my life but it was not anybody was someone that I would still allow to
contact me now and again like on Thanksgiving he just contacted me and I
would always reply you know it was you know it seemed it seemed harmless to me
for the longest time but suddenly it didn't seem harmless anymore and I think
my my son's death was the absolute pinnacle you know I just I just wasn't
going to take any more abuse at that point and and
this person definitely had abused me and definitely you know was which meant that
he was just one more contributor in the whole outcome of my son being gone and
here you know here's why I am and I taught him how to treat me and that's
what we're that's what we're doing we teach people how to treat us and if I if
I basically the message I was giving him was it was okay that you did all those
really crummy things I'm still gonna take your calls and I'm still do treat
you like you're an okay guy and I'm still gonna you know feed you feed your
false narrative and you know it's of little consequence to him he's a super
successful judge he's like you know he's got plenty of stuff going on he doesn't
need me but I still know you know I felt he abused me he cheated on me he did a
whole bunch of really crummy stuff and I was allowing him to get away with it
because I told myself it wasn't okay for me to be mad I told myself it was my
fault I told myself that you know all these different things and honestly and
truly I had enough betrayals and enough you know I'd lost so many other people
that I just didn't want you know I wanted to give him a pass so just so I
wouldn't have one more person that I could chalk up and you know betrayed me
and you know being crummy to me and I you know I I you know I didn't want to
do that I wanted it basically be able to tell myself that I had somebody who was
sort of a friend but he wasn't a friend you know he was abusive to me so when I
got his text message you know I hope you're thinking I did reply it was the
second time this year my birthday also did the same thing I didn't reply then
either and I had a little bit of a feeling good feeling about that and you
know it's a small thing it's a really small thing but it was it's a boundary
that I put in place and I basically am saying you know you don't have an
invitation to my party anymore you know you're not invited anymore and better to
have a private party alone or with my husband or my husband and my son and you
know my husband's family if it's just if it's just us for a while that's okay
with me it's you know some of you guys that's
great too you know but I'm gonna be discerning in who I let in and I first
met my first night Kim for instance she wasn't flattering me at that point she
was slandering other people she was family you know these other channels
that she was having troubles with and I just thought you know this is a person I
I think that seems problematic you know this is before anything happened with
Elle it was before any of that and I just I had already decided then I was
like I don't think she she hasn't asked me anything about myself shouldn't even
have any interest in me she was three hours late to this party
you know I just don't think that you know she's just not she's not she's not
who I want to invite to my party and I had already decided that and it was a
good thing and I'm getting some getting much more discerning and a part of it
has to do with trusting yourself as well so when we were these victims of abuse
we basically told ourselves that there was something admirable about tolerating
everybody you know not judging anyone and having you know I'm tolerating
everybody no matter what I was accepting in and that is I don't know where we got
the idea that that accepting all kinds of poor treatment was I meant we were a
good person that we were a moral person or you know because it doesn't it really
doesn't it means that we are really irresponsible we're not take we're not
taking care of our own lives and if we're don't take care of our own lives
we can't take care of our children or anyone we love you know so it's not it's
not admirable to let toxic people stomp all over your life to let people if you
have you even seen them subbing all over someone else's life if you see them out
of control if you see them abusing people for you to tolerate that is not
really an admirable thing to do it's enabling abuse and and and so what I
what I what I saw so basically that you know that it's I'm answering a question
in multiple dude ways so how you do it in your own life is you just basically
you know these are and how you do it is I mean he Hoover be after like three and
a half years and you know at this point he basically he is he's kind of he's the
lawyer that I got involved with during my divorce so super super vulnerable and
totally fell for him hook line and sinker and then he basically dumped me
did the whole devaluing discard of me right as my divorce was coming through
and it was brutal it was really brutal and and I handled myself so poorly
because in both my divorce and my discard and then also with this I I
didn't I didn't take care of myself at all I was very focused on these
relationships and on you know I gave a lot of attention to it might in my
divorce he gave a lot of attention to my abusers my husband my parents people
that were basically going to end up out of my life and I gave a lot of attention
to the life I was losing you know my business my you know my house all this
is all gonna be gone you know and I wasn't setting up I wasn't talking to my
friends I wasn't I wasn't taking care of myself and my own private life and what
I was going this you know future I was going to be walking into I was in a lot
of denial and it was just basically white knuckling it hanging on for dear
life on to my old life refusing to let it go and you know that's another thing
is you know never again will I ever be in a position will ever be trying to
convince someone that I'm worthy you know never again will I be trying to
convince someone that you know to come and you know beg them to come to my
party no I know not ever again you know it's a privilege to get to be part of my
life it's a privilege to get to be part of your life you know and you need to
see it that way and just the fact that you've been you know you may have been
rejected by your own parents by people that should have loved you but that had
nothing to do with you it absolutely had nothing at all to do with you so
you know you can't take that rejection as something that says anything at all
about you because it doesn't it speaks volumes about them but it says nothing
about you and your worthiness at all so you know it's you know so just remember
that it's just because the people that were supposed to love you that we're
supposed to be there a protective of you just because they weren't it didn't mean
that you didn't deserve it it didn't mean that you weren't worthy of it does
it mean that you weren't a great daughter a great wife a great friend you
were all those things I'm absolutely certain of it but they couldn't they
they just didn't have it in them they didn't want they couldn't they couldn't
connect with you they couldn't love they couldn't feel it couldn't have intimacy
and they saw you as someone that they could use and as soon as they were done
using you as soon as you figured them out or as soon as they got really super
envious of you or whatever it turned around and they attacked you and you
ain't nothing to do with that but that is a toxic person and you don't have to
make excuses for toxic people and you don't have to let toxic people stomp all
over your house take a crap on your carpet you know you don't have to let
that happen and the longer that the more that you do let that happen and the
reason we do it we do it largely because there are lots of reasons we do it we
hang on to certain relationships especially romantic relationships
especially because the longer we've done it that we've stayed in that we don't
want it we can't we think oh all this investment of time and effort and energy
I can't end up with nothing I can't do this and end up with nothing it's like
the gambler is philosophy you know they just keep hanging in there exciting the
big win is gonna come it's got to come eventually right but it doesn't have to
come and the longer that you stay there the greater the chances that you are
absolutely going to end up feeling a tremendous loss and end up with nothing
because you're not paying attention to the rest of your life and you're just
devoting all this energy that's just going to be completely wasted it's
completely a waste of your time to try and hang on to something that when
someone's trying to get away for they're trying to break up with you
they're trying once and onesimus starts abusing you when some monsters you know
treating you poorly say I'm out of here you're not you know I would never again
put up with being mistreated like that never again I kept hanging on Theo he'll
turn around he'll be you know he'll see that he's wrong and he'll start treating
me nice again forget that I'm not sticking around while someone is
treating me like that never again you know and so and and so
the the but the interesting thing is here is that you know going through that
once and having it be just this brutal brutal experience actually gone through
a couple of times but you know basically the same timeframe but going through
that and coming out the other side I'm not you know when something happens like
what happened when someone attacks me on YouTube for instance it's a no-brainer
to me and that's not person I'm ever gonna let into my life but it's very
very interesting how that wasn't how that everyone didn't react that way and
so I don't know if that means that brutal you know maybe your discards were
not completely totally brutal and wiped you out where you had to just completely
fight for your life and so you aren't willing to do it again I don't know or
maybe it's just still too close and you're still really unhealed I'm not
sure what would make that happen but I do believe that I do believe that a
person who's gone through a really devastating discard and healed from it
and overcome it and then done the work worked on themselves and and result is
not gonna put it up it's not gonna put up with the toxic person I think because
well in that and that's normal not to you know it's normal not see most people
don't you know people that don't go through narcissistic abuse don't put up
with that you know it's it's an it's an unusual thing to put up with it and and
so our long fuse for abuse in our our big tolerance for the pain is unusual
but it's not it's not a good thing you know having a high threshold for
emotional pain is not a good thing it's condoning abuse and it's what draws
abusers to you you know you you will you will end up crossing paths
with abusers a whole lot less once you become less tolerant of it you
know once you become less tolerant of it there is nowhere else that people that
act that way could get away with it they act that way they abuse us because no
one else is going to put up with it absolutely not
you know so get the toxic people out of your life and that's just easy as pie to
do because you just don't give them any attention dry up the attention dry up
the narcissistic supply and they'll go away you know if they're just carding
you any way they want to go away and so you know you stop showing them your pain
you stop fighting back you stop begging them you stop you stop giving them any
sort of attention and it'll die a natural death it will because they're
trying to make their break anyway all right you guys thank you so much I will
edit this and get it over on YouTube all right thanks for 10 bye bye
you
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