Hey hey, my friend! Welcome to Parenting A to Z! I'm Kelly Bourne and this week we're
diving right into revenge. And revenge, I know it's kind of a crazy sounding word,
it sounds really heavy and sort of ominous, but what I'm talking about
is those situations where you feel like your kids are acting out, they're saying
things and doing things on purpose. They're trying to stick it to you!
If you know what I mean?! I feel like every parent in the world will know what
I mean! So if you find yourself dealing with that kind of behaviour, stick with me,
we're gonna talk about why they can act out on purpose in those ways, and then
I've got some really practical tools on how you can deal and how you can turn
that whole deal right around! Comin' right up!
So what is revenge?
What are these revenge "misbehaviours" that I'm talking about?
I am talking about when you send your kids to their room and they trash it on
purpose. Or when they purposely break a plate, or when they purposely pull
flowers out of the garden, or they -- anytime you feel like they're doing
something on purpose to stick it to you. Like they're trying to
send you a message. That's what I'm talking about. So it could be
noticing escalating behaviour, it could be damaging property, it could be hurting
others, it really could show up in a whole different different variety
of ways, depending on your child your relationship, and just and just how
things are, and how they're seeing things. Because that's really what
it comes down to. And I'll touch on that briefly in a little bit, but first I want
to talk about how you can tell if you're dealing with this kind of behaviour. So if
you find yourself being really shocked, or disgusted, or really disturbed, or
really hurt, like if you're finding yourselves feeling really hurt like, how
could they do that?! That's a really good indication that you
could be dealing with revenge type of misbehaviours. The other way to tell,
this is probably for me, personally at least, the best way that I
can tell if I'm falling into this revenge cycle,
is in how I respond to my kids. So if I find myself being tempted
to respond with retaliation, to kind of up the ante, like oh you're gonna do that?!
Well I'm gonna show you who's boss! That is an excellent excellent
trigger for me, red alarm bells, like okay, hold it! Pump the brakes, Kelly!
This is what we're dealing with here. So anytime I'm thinking about
retaliation, or I'm gonna like, up the punishments, or I'm gonna
lecture them, or nag them into next week and show them who's boss, that is a
really good indication that I'm dealing with a revenge type of behaviour. And the
thing, I know revenge it's such a, I even feel weird saying it, it's such a crazy
harsh sounding word, but really what it really just means is that they're trying
to get back. They're trying to get back at us. And underlying so much of
that is a feeling of hurt. And that's the other big thing, when it comes to revenge
behaviours, is I feel like we can get really distracted by the outward display.
Whether it is them mouthing off, or being sassy, or damaging property, or being mean
to their brother, we can get so focused on that, that we can forget that the
underlying reason of why they're doing that is because they're feeling hurt or
they're feeling left out. So it's so important not to get distracted with the
outward behaviour and start to look at the underlying reasons as to why they're
doing this. Why are they acting out in this way, and why now? And really getting
curious about that. And that is the secret sauce right there, to turning things
around. Because it is never about pulling up the flowers, and it is never about
smashing the plate on purpose. It's always hitting at that underlying reason
why. That's where you'll start to see the behaviour change. And of course, you know
me! I'm so big on the "why" and when it comes to revenge-type behaviours, those
" I'm gonna stick it to mom and dad" kind of behaviours, "I'm gonna get back at
them," there's three really big reasons why our kids do that. Of course,
I don't want to paint with too wide of a brush, but just to give you
an idea, and to kind of start thinking and reframing this behaviour so you can
see what's really going on and what is actually really bothering your kids.
So the first really big reason our kids can act in this way is punishment. If our
kids have been punished and punished and punished and punished and punished and
punished into next week, any time they make a mistake or act out, it starts to
feed that cycle. They start to get the message that we're trying to make them
pay. And lots of times, heck! - let's be
honest! When we punish our kids that's what we're trying to do! We're
trying to make them pay for what they did. It's like somehow we think that if
we make them feel worse they'll somehow act better. And the big
reason why punishment is so ineffective and why punishment, whether it's threats,
or nagging, or bribing, or removing privileges, or all of the ways that we
can punish our kids when they act out, the reason it's so ineffective,
especially when it comes to these revenge-type behaviours is that it just
reinforces the message that "they're out to get me."
Because what do our kids do? Of course, we as parents, we think that, okay we're
gonna punish our kids and then they're gonna get it, and they're never gonna do
that again. But what happens from our kids' perspective? Instead of
them thinking about what they did, or what they could do differently next time,
or where they maybe could improve things, they're not thinking about any of that!
They're just thinking about how mean you are! So it's just like this
never-ending cycle. So punishment is right up there, one of the number one
reasons why our kids can act out in revenge. And then there's two other
reasons - one is constantly losing power struggles. If our kids feel like they're
always losing power struggles and we're always coming out on top as far as
those times we're locking heads, again, it could be with our younger kids
putting on boots, putting on coats, all those day-to-day struggles.
With our older kids, it could be us always putting our foot down, or never
allowing them to see their friends, or it could be anything! But from their
perspective, always losing power struggles, it gets really
defeating. You can just kind of feel like, "Oh man!
Well, if I'm not gonna win at this, I'm gonna win at THIS! I'm gonna
show them!" And that's where the revenge behaviours can come in. Third one is
sibling favouritism. So of course, we wouldn't do it intentionally, but
sometimes our kids can feel like one of their siblings is favoured and that can
be really hurtful, and that can be a really big source of these
types of behaviors that we see. So I say that not to like, guilt anyone, cuz
like, guys! I'm in the same boat with you! I am in the same boat with you.
But I feel like having an awareness of knowing that punishment, and our kids
losing power struggles, and our kids feeling like other siblings are favoured,
those are the root reasons for some of these misbehaviours
that we're seeing. So if we can have this awareness, it can cause us to kind of
step back before it gets to that point of their behaviours escalating. Those are
the three big reasons why they do it. I think it's important to to look at how
we can deal practically when we're faced with these situations. Right at the top
of the list, is acknowledging their hurt feelings. And trust me guys! I know this
can be like the absolute last thing you feel like doing when you feel like your
kids are breaking stuff, or being rude, or acting out on purpose. It's like the
absolute last thing you feel like doing, but it is the only way to start building
that connection and building that sense of trust back up, is to acknowledge where
they're at and that they might be hurting. Saying like, I'll say it
to my kids sometimes - "You must be really upset with me to talk to me like
that." or "did I do something to upset you? Because that's
not like you." Just recognizing and kind of throwing them a bone that I know this
isn't who they are. And asking what's bothering them, asking them what's up.
Just recognizing that something's going on. And coupled right closely
with that, is avoiding the punishment and the retaliation. Because like I said
earlier, that's only feeding the cycle. I know we think we're showing them who's
boss, but if we keep upping the ante they're gonna keep upping the ante. It's
up to us as the parents, as the adults, to break that cycle. To recognize what's
going on, and to take the hard step. I know it's funny how sometimes asking
for a hug can be taking the hard step when we feel like we need to be the ones
laying down the law, but recognizing that they're hurt, dealing with the hurt,
avoiding the punishment, and retaliation, that's how you will change
things. And you'll start to see a slow down tick in these behaviours. And I'm
also not sitting here, pretending that you do this, you start recognizing their
feelings, and avoid punishment and retaliation, that you're
gonna have a magical moment and your child will never act out in revenge
ever again. It's a process. It's absolutely a process for you and for
them. Changing how you communicate with each other. Not taking the bait of these
alarming behaviours. Because when you're
shocked, when you're feeling shocked at what your kids are doing, that's a really
good sign that you're you're in this revenge type cycle. So stopping that
cycle, reaching out for the hug, reaching out for connection, recognizing that your
kids are hurting, and then going from there. And another thing too, this one's
hard, this is a tough topic, so if you find yourself listening
in right now, and joining me right now and you're having a lot of conflicting
feelings, know that it's totally normal. It's really hard, because I
know for a lot of us, it's like we're trying these new strategies and these
new ways of relating with our kids that we actually have no experience with
ourselves. Because this isn't how a lot of us were raised. A lot of us
were raised that you do what you're told, when you're told, and that's kind of the
end of the story. So giving yourself permission to reach out to your
kids and connect with your kids and recognize that they're hurting and not
getting distracted by their outward "misbehaviours," it can be
hard. It can bring up a big internal struggle. So I'm right there
with you. I'm right there with you, if you find yourself having a hard time. And
especially with this next piece I want to touch on, is the importance of making
amends. And that means us apologizing for our part in the hurt. It's hard, it's hard
admitting it. It's really hard admitting it if we've said something or we've done
something, because we can react out of anger. We can retaliate out
of anger, we can we can act out because we're feeling stressed about something
that's going on at work, or something where we feel like we're
short in another area of our lives and then our kids are suddenly taking the
brunt of our impatience. When we can be strong enough to make those amends,
that sends a huge message to our kids that we're on the same side. We don't
ever mean to hurt them, and that we are willing to do what it takes to build
that bridge of connection again. And then it also shows them a
powerful example that when they mess up, when they make mistakes, when they maybe
act out of stress or anxiety, doing and saying things that they don't mean, that
they can apologize. That they can reach out and mom and dad are only ever
a hug away. And that we're not gonna build up that wall, that
we're gonna bring them in towards us. So making amends is also a huge huge piece
of this. So really, at the end of the day, like I said, I'm not trying to pretend
that watching this video is gonna be a cure-all for all your defiant
disobedient behaviours that you're dealing with, but I hope that it sets off
a mindset shift, that instead of being distracted by your kids' outward behaviour
as being something that you need to control, or you need to fix, see it
instead as your child is hurting. Your child is trying to reach out. Your child
is stressed. Your child is anxious. And this behaviour is their way of showing
you that they need you, and that they need help. They just don't have the words
to tell you rationally. Heck, just think of in your own life when
you're feeling really upset, really stressed, really anxious, really hurt, if
you're conducting yourself with your full rational mind. Being very calm
in all your interactions. I know for me, heck no! The answer is no! That's when I
have a really short fuse and I can do and say things that I don't mean. And
it's no different for our kids. So I hope this sparks a
mindset shift for you, to just kind of dig a little bit deeper, to chase the why --
why are they behaving in this way? And why now? What's going on? How are they
hurting? Instead of being distracted by the
outward behaviour. Of course, if you have any
questions or comments, leave them below. I know it can be tricky. It's an ongoing
process, dealing with these types of behaviours, so if you want more in-depth
resources and support, make sure to check us out in the Parent 'Hood. I also host
weekly office hours where you can hop on and talk to me directly
one-on-one about your issue and give you some specific strategies for what you're
dealing with. So I really hope that helps guys! I wish you so much luck as you're
dealing with these tricky behaviours. I hope that mindset shift changes things,
changes your perspective on your kids' behaviour
and opens that door to finding some solutions and finding the root of what's
causing that misbehaviour. So best of luck! I'll see you in the next vid and
let me know how it goes!
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