[ Children Talking ]
[ Music ]
>> Happy Birthday!
>> [Multiple speakers] It's not my birthday!
[ Music ]
>> Watch it, kid.
[ Background Sounds ]
[ Music ]
[ Music ]
[ Phone Ringing ]
>> Hello?
>> Are you still sleeping?
You know it's 12:30 in the afternoon.
Did you go out last night?
>> Hi, mom.
>> Did you call your grandma?
I told you yesterday she had a fall.
>> I was going to, just been busy.
>> Doing what?
>> The convention is coming up.
>> Oh, God, Chaz, how many times do I need
to tell you stop giving so much attention to those stupid,
perverted magazines, and start thinking
about going back to school.
You know, there's more to life
than worshipping those big big-busted women all day.
>> Those are the only women worth worshipping.
>> I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.
>> I said Jesus is the Lord worth worshipping.
>> Don't be a smart ass.
[ Music ]
[ Background Sounds ]
>> Again true love how are you?
Found your home, hello, miss 's.
>> -- the long-running
and highly successful adult periodical will be hosting it's
first annual vintage Showboy magazine collector's convention
this weekend in Hollywood,
reporter Connie Weathers with more.
Connie?
>> Thanks, Chuck.
Well, the event has been planned for some time now,
but earlier today Jordan J. Carlyle, vice president
of Showboy Enterprises made a public announcement regarding a
few recent developments.
>> The person with the most valuable collection will receive
a cash prize of $100,000, a top editorial position
a cash prize of $100,000, a top editorial position
at Showboy magazine, and a chance
to meet Bert face-to-face.
>> No way.
>> Mr. Carlyle, Mr. Carlyle?
Is it true that Bert will be revealing himself to the public
for the first time in over 50 years?
>> Yes, that's true.
>> You heard right, Bert, the mysterious founder and CEO
of Showboy Enterprises has announced
that he will be making his first public appearance in 50 years.
What's got him coming out of the closet after all this time?
Well, if you're a fan
of the magazine this event should prove not to be missed.
>> What the --
[ Beeping ]
>> I hate you, why do you --
>> Something wrong with you?
>> [Inaudible] go into there, don't even operate.
Idiot.
[ Background Sounds ]
>> Why is he wearing my terrorist mask?
>> I think he got cold, it was pretty chilly last night.
>> Well maybe he's cold because he sleeps
on the kitchen floor every night.
>> Well, you know how he gets when he eats his dickle treats.
>> What are you doing with those things now?
>> Polishing my front line for the convention this weekend.
>> Oh yeah, perv pay.
>> We're not pervs, Randy.
It's just the same as collecting stamps or coins,
these just happen to have hot chicks on the cover, that's all.
>> Whatever, dude.
You're still pervs.
[ Music ]
>> Well, when the hell did we get a cat?
>> What cat?
>> The one that decided to put its lard ass on our balcony.
>> No clue dude.
>> Well it couldn't have flown up here.
[ Cat Meowing ]
>> Whoa!
>> What?
>> Seriously.
>> It's a cat it'll land on its feet.
>> Four stories?
>> Yeah. Whatever.
It's fine.
>> Unbelievable.
>> Decker, you can take off the ski mask now.
>> It's not a ski mask, it's a terrorist mask.
Give me my mask back, [Inaudible]
>> Hey guys.
>> What's up.
>> Hey.
>> Okay, so today we have vanilla mango, banana chocolate,
blueberry delight, and my super-new,
super-fresh water melon cucumber with kiwi sprinkles.
I'll take that one.
>> No, that is mine.
>> Oh. Watch the spread, watch the spread.
>> Is the convention this weekend?
>> Yeah.
>> I can't believe they actually have a convention
for you horn dogs.
>> It's not been being a horn dog, okay?
Collecting Showboys is all about the conservation
and documentation of the culture of politics
and sexual exploration during the time
in which it was released, and displaying all
that both tastefully and artistically
by capturing the essence of the featured Showboy honey in all
of her natural beauty and splendor.
>> Dude, you're a bunch of pervs.
>> We'll see who's laughing
when you two are sitting here jerking each other off
and I'm sitting pool side with Bert, cocktails
and more Showboy honeys than I can count.
>> Jessica, we're out of dickle treats.
>> We need more beer.
>> Okay, if I take you guys to the store are you going to pitch
in more than three bucks this time?
>> Jessica, it's not funny.
We're poor.
>> Fasten your seatbelts.
[ Music ]
>> Oh
>> Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
>> It's dead.
It's dead.
>> You killed that poor animal.
>> What are you crying about, cats are so gay.
>> What the hell was it doing way up there?
>> Randy threw him out of the balcony this morning [laughter].
>> Randy, you threw a cat over your balcony?
>> It was on my balcony and it started attacking me.
>> It was in attack mode, it had its fangs out and everything, --
>> No it wasn't, no it wasn't --
>> You saw it with your x-ray vision?
I think I know.
>> What the hell?
Randy, why do you hate cats so much?
[ Music & Cats Meowing ]
[ Music ]
>> Ugh cat pee!
[ Multiple Speakers Chanting ]
>> Because they suck.
[ Music ]
[ Background Sounds ]
>> What the fuck?
>> Oh, my God.
>> No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
She was so young.
[ Crying ]
>> God damn it, Randy.
>> Home sweet -- holy shit --
>> It is okay.
>> What the hell happened here?
>> You left the front door wide open again,
that's what happened.
>> No I didn't.
>> You always leave the front door open, Randy.
>> I didn't this time.
>> Baby steps, gang.
Baby steps.
>> Think, Randy, think really, really, really hard.
>> Think.
>> Oh, shit.
[ Shouting & Music ]
>> Decker?
>> What?
>> What the hell did you do that for?
>> I thought he was going to break your neck.
>> What the fuck Decker?
>> I thought you were going to break his neck.
>> Break his neck?
You could have killed me.
>> I'm sorry --
[ Music ]
>> What the hell is going on?
>> God damn it.
>> Mr. Berkus, we can explain.
>> Save it, hillbilly boy.
>> Mr. Berkus, we got robbed.
>> Yeah, yeah.
Berkus robbed one week, goats and hookers the next.
It's all the same with you fucking losers.
I've had it.
I'm giving you free loaders two hours to pack up your shit
and get the -- is that Jenny Treelove, June 1969?
>> Oh, Mr. Berkus, you collect perv mags too?
>> Not about collecting perv mags, hillbilly.
It's about the conservation and documentation of the culture,
politics, and sexual exploration during the time
in which it was released, and displaying all
of that both tastefully and artistically.
>> Where the hell are you guys getting this from?
>> You want this, Mr. Berkus, you can have it.
Keep it. Please let us stay, please.
>> Give me that numb nuts.
>> Look, Mr. Berkus, being a huge perv myself I know all
about the collecting business.
>> Shut up, Randy.
>> You like what you see, big boy?
>> Maybe.
>> There's plenty more where that came from.
Wanda Nightshade, October 1975; Natasha Redlace, November 1989;
La Kobe Bang Bang, March 1985.
One of my favorites.
>> Brenda Breadandbutter, Alexis Lumberwood, May 1992.
It's all good.
>> Pica de Galla!
>> All 12 issues of 1965 through 1968.
>> You're going to have to do better than that, kid.
[ Music ]
>> Beverlyn Cones, December 1959.
Issue No. 1.
>> That's a 2007 reprint, even I have one of those.
>> Well, if you were a true Showboy connoisseur,
you'd know that all 2007 reprints came with a rectangle
at the top right corner directly under the Showboy logo
to distinguish it from the originals,
which unmistakably show square.
Go home and take a look, old man.
A hundred bucks says you'll find a rectangle
up there, That right there,
that's a square.
>> How much?
>> Twelve months.
>> You're out of your mind, kid.
Be reasonable.
>> Eight months.
>> Eight weeks.
>> No money, no apartment, doesn't look like I'll be going
to the Showboy convention, I could just tear this up --
>> No, no, no, no, no.
>> Eight months.
>> Deal.
[ Music ]
>> You ass holes got eight months.
>> Hello, Showboy palace.
>> Bye-bye Showboy palace.
[ Music ]
[ Background Sounds ]
>> You know what --
>> Listen man, screw the magazine, screw the --
you don't need any of that crap.
You know what you need?
A hooker.
>> I'm going to bed.
>> You just got to get your mind off everything,
you don't need all that stuff.
Why don't you go to bed with a hooker?
Try that.
>> I've done it.
I'm not perfect.
[ Silence ]
[ Music ]
>> I just got my hands
on the biggest collection I've ever seen.
>> What the hell are you talking about?
>> I'm talking about me, winning first prize
at the convention getting face-to-face with Bert
and putting one right between his money-hungry little eyes.
>> Calm your balls down, Berkus.
Things just got a little complicated.
>> How so?
>> Don't you watch TV, old man?
Now he's offering an editorial position,
the competition is going to get a lot more stiff.
>> Oh, I don't think that will be a problem.
>> Oh really?
And why is that?
>> I've got Beverlyn Cones.
>> Original?
>> You bet your mother's sweet flabby ass.
>> Look, Berkus, don't get any bright ideas.
We go on as planned.
I still need that --
>> What you need is a good reason I don't cut you
out and kill Bert myself.
>> What are you going to do?
Go in there guns blazing in broad daylight?
Spend the rest of your short-ass life in prison?
Don't be an idiot.
You still need me as much as I need you.
Now how soon can you be here,
because we need to talk in person.
>> Yeah, I'll leave tonight.
Should be a Hollywood in a few hours.
I'll call you in the morning.
[ Music ]
>> Time to die, old friend.
[ Music ]
[ Silence ]
>> Jeff, Jeff, wake up, wake up.
>> Decker,what is going on?
>> It's Berkus, he's gone crazy.
He's going to use the magazines to get close to Bert
and he's going to kill him.
I heard him tell somebody on the phone all about it.
>> What the hell are you two bitches babbling about?
>> Decker, you sure he said that?
>> I saw him, he's got a gun and it's huge.
>> Berkus has a gun?
>> How do you know he was talking about Bert?
>> He said I'm going to kill Bert.
>> How the hell did Berkus get a gun?
[ Horn Honking ]
>> What's the matter with you, it's a no parking zone, moron.
>> Shut up.
[ Background Sounds ]
>> Where did he get a gun?
>> Decker did Berkus say anything else to that person
on the phone, any names or places he was going, anything?
>> That he was leaving tonight and that he would see them
in Hollywood in a couple of hours.
>> That's it?
Anything else?
>> Then he said, "time to die old friend."
>> Old friend.
December 1982, some guy broke into the Showboy palace,
got 15 feet from Bert's bedroom door before tripping alarm.
Police report says they found a knife and some rope
but no trace of the guy.
>> You think that was Berkus?
>> Could be.
>> Why would Mr. Berkalitis want to kill Bert?
>> I don't know.
>> What the hell are we going to do about it,
why don't We just call the cops?
>> We can't call the cops.
>> Why not?
>> One, they would never believe us, and two,
you still have a warrant out for your arrest
for the time your drunk ass crashed the company truck
into that house.
>> Yeah, yeah, we can't call the cops.
>> So what are we going to do?
>> Well, there's only one thing we can do.
We've got to stop Berkus, we've got to get to that convention.
>> Wait a minute, so --
>> You mean --
>> [Multiple Speakers] We're going to Hollywood.
>> Oh, snap --
>> Wait, how the hell are we going to get there?
>> Guys, if Brandon sees you here again he's going
to fire me for sure.
>> Who, dick lips?
>> Jessica, did you get my message?
>> Yes, I got your message.
And no, I'm not coming.
It sounds completely crazy.
>> Jess, Table Six needs you.
>> Okay.
>> Miss, you forget the chocolate syrup
for my cappuccino.
>> Just a second.
>> It's real, okay?
Believe me.
The 1982 break-in was Berkus.
He's going to do it again.
>> Berkus is really going to kill a guy?
>> Not just a guy, Jess, Bert.
>> Miss?
>> I'll be right there.
Look, why should I care?
>> Besides having the death of an innocent man
on your conscience, I don't know.
>> Oh my God --
>> Because Decker is going to fix your car like he promised.
>> Okay, he promised that seven months ago.
>> Well, he's doing it right now, look out the window.
He brought his tools today and everything.
>> I need my damn syrup.
>> Shut up, fatty!
>> Look, if I do this and you win,
you're giving me all the money I need
to start my cupcake business, deal?
>> Deal.
>> Jessica, what the hell -- well, well, if it isn't
Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb, piece of shit.
>> What's up, dick lips.
>> Jessica, I told you if I ever saw them here again I'm going --
>> You're going to what, Brandon?
You're going to fire me?
You're going to take away the honor
of serving these horrible gluttonous freaks you
call customers?
>> Jessica --
>> Do you know that I cringe every single morning
at the thought of coming in this place
and serving these people knowing that I have to look you
in your stupid face and smile?
Do you know what that feels like?
>> Jessica, you listen to me --
>> No, you listen, dick lips, I quit.
[ Music ]
>> Oh my God, I can't believe I actually did that.
You know how long I've been waiting to do that for?
>> It was awesome.
Did you see the look on dick lip's face?
>> Jessica, I think I know what's wrong
with your car, you need a new belt.
But I can get you one when we get to Hollywood --
[ Music ]
>> Hey, so where are we going to stay anyway?
>> Oh, my brother's place, thanks for reminding me.
Can I borrow your phone?
>> Yeah.
>> You have a brother in Hollywood?
>> I didn't even know you had a brother in Hollywood.
>> Yeah, we're not exactly the best of friends.
So --
>> What does he do?
>> He's an actor.
>> He's an actor?
Oh. Is he any good?
>> No.
>> Hey buddy, hey buddy, hey, buddy.
Hey. Buddy.
[ Ringing Phone ]
Hello?
>> Dylan? Chaz.
>> Chaz? What's wrong, everything okay?
>> Yeah, yeah, everything's fine.
I just -- happy birthday.
>> Chaz, my birthday was a week ago.
What do you want?
>> Well, I'm kind of on my way to LA
and I need a place to stay.
>> You tell mom you were coming down here?
>> Oh, come on Dylan, she doesn't need to know everything.
>> Yes, she does, Chaz.
Listen, I've got an acting class tonight,
won't be done till about nine.
I'll text you the address.
And just hang out till I get there.
All right?
>> All right.
>> All right.
Hey buddy.
That's right.
>> Everything okay?
>> Yeah, yeah, everything -- it's totally fine.
It's jus he has class so we have a few hours to kill.
>> Speaking of hours to kill, where the shit are we?
>> Yeah. I don't know, Decker, you sure this is going
to get us back to the highway?
>> Yeah, it's a short cut.
Trust me.
>> Short cut my ass.
Give me that the damn map.
>> You guys stop it --
>> Knock it off --
[ Music ]
>> What the hell, Randy?
>> What the hell are you yelling
>> What is your problem --
>> Problem?
Why are you blaming me?
Blame his lard ass, he's the one who got us lost.
>> You're the one that almost got us all killed.
>> Can you stop fighting and figure
out what's going on with the car?
We're in the middle of nowhere.
>> Decker is the fastest tire hanger in the west.
He can slap a spare on and we can go
down the road, be on our way.
>> I can't do that.
>> [Multiple speakers] Why?
>> She doesn't have a spare.
>> How the hell do you know that?
>> Shit.
>> Randy --
>> Okay, relax, relax.
Look, look, there's a gas station right there.
All we have to do is push the car nice and slowly
around to the gas station, put a new tire on,
and we'll be on our way.
>> Put a new tire on -- what am I, made of money, Randy?
>> How much can one tire cost?
>> That will be three hundred bucks.
>> For one tire?
>> I don't make the rules Boss, I just abide by them.
How are you doing?
>> Ooh. Is there anyone else we can talk to?
>> Boss man ain't in till Friday.
>> Holy shit, Cat Piss.
>> Oh, shit.
>> Hey guys, get in here quick.
It's Cat Piss.
>> What's he talking about.
?
>> Nothing, dude.
>> Holy shit, Cat Piss.
What the hell are you doing here?
>> Randy, you know these guys?
>> He used to.
Before he switched schools and moved away.
How you been, Cat Piss?
>> Oh you know, working hard, paying your mom child support.
She didn't tell you, Billy?
>> Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, be careful there now Billy.
Cat Piss is just a little upset because of his weak belly.
Ain't you, Cat Piss?
>> Oh please, I can drink you under the table any day
of the week, dumpster face.
>> What you call me?
>> Randy, what is going on?
>> In high school we had this game called six can stretch.
I was the neighborhood champion
until this cheater-ass came along.
>> Spoken like a true weak belly.
>> You tricked me, dumpster face.
>> Weak belly, weak belly, weak belly --
>> We'll do this, right here, right now.
>> Randy wait a second.
Can I talk to you for a second?
Come here.
[ Music & Footsteps ]
>> All right, Jimmy, want to play this little game?
Let's make it interesting.
How about a little wager.
>> What kind of wager?
>> If I win we get the tire, free.
>> Pop going to kill you find out a give you -- and if I win?
>> Name your price.
>> Okay. Alright.
Okay If you win, you get the tire.
If I win, she stays.
>> What?
>> Deal.
>> Randy!
>> Six can stretch, six can stretch,
six can stretch, six can stretch --
>> Randy, this isn't the 16th century, you can't trade me off
like some slave whore.
>> Well I can't?
>> Relax, relax, I've got a plan.
[ Music ]
>> You ready?
[ Music ]
[ Cheering ]
>> Whats up?
>> Shit.
>> Hey Jimmy --
[ Music ]
>> Son of a bitch.
[ Music ]
>> Who's the weak belly now?
You stupid sons of bitches.
>> Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God --
>> Come on.
[ Music ]
>> Motherfuckers!
>> Get in the truck.
>> Jimmy --
[ Music ]
>> Cat Piss!
[ Music ]
[ Background Sounds]
>> Hey, Dylan, these are my friends.
Randy.
>> Hey man, what's up.
>> Decker.
>> What's up.
>> And Jessica.
>> Nice to meet you.
>> Hey, guys.
Hey, Chaz.
>> Okay. Let's go inside, shall we?
come on in.
>> Whoa, nice place.
>> This is great.
>> Yeah. Theres a TV over there.
>> How long have you lived there?
>> Since I moved to L A, so maybe almost --
>> Three years, right?
>> Right. Three years.
>> So Chaz tells us you're an actor?
>> Yup, actor.
>> Been in anything I might have seen?
>> Well you know, a lot of extra work here and there,
just did a web series, gets like a million hits whatever, so.
That was pretty cool.
>> Oh. Wow.
Cool.
>> So what brings you guys to L.A.?
>> Oh, our landlord Mr. Berkus --
>> We're here for the Showboy convention.
>> Oh yeah?
Showboy convention, I've seen the ads for that all over town,
it's this weekend, right?
>> Dylan, you wouldn't know
where I could make some quick cash
over the next couple of days, would you?
>> Well as a matter of fact, my girlfriend Rachel,
she casts extras for a talk show,
she could probably squeeze you two in for tomorrow.
As for you two, I would try Craigslist.
>> Craigslist?
>> Who the hell is Craig?
>> Yeah. Computer is over there.
Knock yourselves out.
>> Alright
>> Well, excuse me kids, I am exhausted.
Oh, Jessica, you can sleep in the guest room,
it's down the hall to the right.
Guys take the living room.
>> Thanks so much for everything,
it was really nice to meet you.
>> Yup.
>> Good night.
>> Thanks, man.
>> Chaz? Can I talk to you for a second?
>> Hey.
>> Talked to mom earlier tonight,
I told her you were here.
>> I was going to call her before I went to sleep.
>> She said you're not going back to school next semester?
>> I am taking a break.
>> What for?
>> What does it matter?
>> It matters because you're supposed to finish school.
>> Don't worry about me Dylan I'm fine, I am okay,
I can take care of myself.
>> Listen, this is about me leaving --
>> This has nothing to do with that.
>> Or about dad?
>> This has nothing to do with that.
Thanks for letting us stay here,
we'll be gone in a few days, okay?
[ Background Sounds ]
[ Music ]
>> Hey, Berky, baby.
>> You're always dressed nice --
>> Always.
>> You dress like a champion.
>> I like the way you dress, son.
You always dress to impress, I respect that about you.
>> Who the hell is this?
>> This is my buddy, Buddy.
He's here for my protection.
>> Protection from what?
>> Oh, I don't know, Armageddon.
>> This guy is a fucking beast.
Look at this guy.
Must be packed out like a champion, huh?
Is it big?
As big as my arm?
Do you just drill the honeys
like crazy Just tapping them silly.
Must be nice, huh?
>> You got my ticket, Carlyle?
>> Your ticket?
Oh right, sorry about that.
Enlighten me?
>> I go to the convention,
I register under the name John Smith, I enter and win,
after which you come out and congratulate me,
you take us both back stage and then you
and I are alone with Bert.
>> And then?
>> I put two in the back of his fucking head.
>> The signature, Berkus, nothing happens to Bert
until I get his signature, do you understand that?
>> Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The signature
>> You listen to me, old man.
Without that signature I got nothing.
And if I get nothing not only will you get nothing
but you'll go prison and you will die.
>> What about my money?
>> Your money?
You'll get your money.
As soon as I get my signature.
>> How do you plan on explaining all of this?
>> What, are you kidding me?
Suicide is the Number One headline right now,
billion dollar mogul shoots himself
after giving away his entire fortune.
They are going to eat it up like Christmas dinner.
And besides, what do you care?
You're going to be rich.
Bert will be dead, I will have my company,
and Buddy here is still going to have his big black anaconda.
We're all happy.
>> Just give me my damn ticket, Carlyle.
>> Nothing happens to Bert until Carlyle gets his signature.
Now say it.
>> Nothing happens to Bert until Carlyle gets his signature.
[ Music ]
[ Background Sounds ]
>> Whoa, good morning, sleeping beauty.
>> Hmm, what's that smell?
>> Breakfast.
You hungry?
>> I'm starving.
>> Good. This is for you.
>> What is it?
>> French toast covered in frosted flakes.
My dad used to make it for me
and Chaz all the time when we were kids.
>> One of the only things he could make.
>> Fricking delicious.
>> Oh, Chaz, Rach said she can squeeze you and Jessica
in this afternoon on that show.
>> Cool, what time?
>> It's at 2 o'clock and the directions are on my desk.
>> What talk show is it?
>> I think it's the Chit Chat With Chazy Show.
>> Oh my God, I love that show.
>> Are you serious?
>> Yeah. She's so funny.
Do you know who her special guest is?
>> No clue.
I got to go.
Chaz, you can clean up a little bit, right?
>> Yeah.
>> I'll be back at 8, keys are on the hanger.
Kids, have fun.
>> Yeah.
>> Not too much fun.
Geez.
>> So looks like it's just me and you today, huh?
>> Yeah, look like it.
You guys find anything?
>> Are you kidding?
We found umpteen jobs to do today.
>> Craigslist is awesome.
>> Yeah, we're going totally rock each
and every one of these, freestyle.
>> Yeah, definitely.
>> Have fun.
[ Music ]
>> What? What's wrong with you?
What -- seriously?
All right, fine you want to play?
Why, why me?
Getting in my game?
What do you want?
All right, fine.
You know what, go.
[ Music ]
>> Think you can handle that, Randy?
>> Can you handle it Randy?
>> What the fuck?
[ Music ]
>> How do we know what this guy looks like?
>> He said we'll know him when we see him.
>> What are we doing again?
>> God, you have the attention span of mustard, I swear.
He just needs some dudes to, like, shred on skate boards
for a skate boarding video.
>> I don't know how to skate.
I'm going to break something.
>> That's perfect.
>> Oh my God, I can't believe we are actually here.
>> Relax your going to faint before we make it to our seats.
>> Look, look, there she is.
>> Yes, there she is.
[ Music ]
>> Oh, my God.
>> Okay, everybody, it's time
for our kiss cam moment of the day.
>> No, no, we're not really -- we're not really a couple --
>> Kiss her, kiss her, kiss her --
>> We're just friends so it's kind of weird.
>> All right, all right[cheering]!
>> There, you happy?
>> Go, brother.
>> All right, man.
>> Sorry, I just hate a lot of attention.
>> Oh yeah, totally.
Absolutely.
[ Background Sounds ]
>> Perverts.
>> Dude, I told you, sun glasses.
>> Oh yeah.
>> On the face.
>> Oh yeah.
>> My God.
Look, all right now it's all about the percipical visions.
Know what those are?
>> No.
>> Okay. Percipical vision are when you look
like you're looking this way but you're really staring at boobs.
Okay, got it?
Watch.
See that? Staring at tits the whole time.
>> Wow.
>> Check this one out.
Looked like I was staring at my beer the whole time, right?
>> Uh huh.
>> Purple sports bra, C cup, mole on her left tit.
>> That's amazing.
>> Uh huh.
All right, now you learned, you try.
>> Hmm.
[ Background Sounds ]
>> Weirdo.
>> Beer. Beer.
>> Sunglasses, maybe they can see through them
or something -- oh, oh!
No!
[ Background Sounds ]
>> Just beware of that from now on.
>> Hey guys.
>> What the hell are you?
>> I'm Party Marty.
The super duper skate video.
>> Roller blades?
>> Extreme roller blades, thank you very much.
Why limit yourself to four wheels when you can have eight?
It's like double the fun, right?
>> So what exactly are we going to be doing?
>> Oh, it's simple.
I've got everything, skates, costumes, props, all you need
to do is skate your little hearts out
and leave the video taping to Fredrick here.
>> Hey!
>> Oh look I thought this was going
to be a bad ass skate video, not a bare ass skate video, guys.
>> You guys aren't from around here, are you?
>> No, we're here because our landlord Mr. --
>> We're here for a convention.
>> The Showboy convention?
>> How did you know?
>> Are you kidding?
I love Showboy magazine.
Those girls are so fricking fierce, it's scary.
Like a scourge of them going animal, roar!
>> Roar.
>> Wow, are you going as a contestant?
>> Of course.
I've got one of the best collections around.
I know almost every cover.
Last year for Halloween I was Roxy Rough Ride
and Fredrick here was nasty Pamela Pammy,
do you remember that Fredrick?
>> Nasty.
>> That's why I make these videos,
I aspire to one day have my own company just like sexy man Bert.
So f-ing hot and mysterious.
>> How much are you guys paying us again?
>> Oh, you know, a handsome sum for a handsome day's work.
And it I mention all the beer you can drink.
>> What did you just say?
>> All the beer you can drink!
Oh!
[ Music ]
>> Lets do this.
>> Yeah!
[ Music ]
>> Disgusting.
>> Icky is more like it.
[ Background Sounds ]
>> That was fun.
>> Yeah, easiest sixty bucks I ever made.
>> Why don't you just let your brother lend you some cash?
>> Trust me, he's offering
but he doesn't have extra cash to give.
I'm doing him a favor.
>> Are you kidding me?
>> What?
>> Wood chips.
>> Wood chips?
>> Yeah, wood chips, they're these tiny toy poker chips
different lumber companies would make with their scrap wood.
My dad used to give them to me and Dylan any time he would want
to say sorry for something.
>> He would give you guys wood?
>> Yeah. I mean, they're -- they're completely pointless,
but me and Dylan used to collect them and they're as good
as money in our house.
I didn't even think they existed any more.
>> Why do you hate him so much?
>> Who?
>> Dylan.
>> I don't hate him.
>> Chaz, come on.
I'm not an idiot, please stop treating me like one.
>> I don't hate him.
Okay, okay, when we were kids my dad owned this lumber store back
at home.
Dylan and I practically grew up in that store.
When my dad died a few years back Dylan was older,
so I just assumed he'd take over.
But he always had these ideas and plans,
move to L.A., become an actor.
So he let it go.
And my mom wouldn't let me take
over because she wanted me to finish school.
So we sold it.
>> And you blame Dylan for that?
>> I don't know.
No, when I was younger, stupid.
So I stopped talking to him,
you know a few months went by, a year.
After a while I couldn't even remember why I hated him
so much.
We just couldn't find anything to say to each other.
>> I guess it just seems like so much time wasted.
Couldn't you two just make up?
>> Sometimes easy things just ain't that easy.
Let's go.
[ Music ]
[ Background Sounds ]
>> You guys rocked.
Here's my number, if you ever want
to party again you know where to find me.
Party Marty, roar.
>> Okay.
>> Oh my God.
>> You thought I was crazy,
have you seen Chazy lately [laughter]?
>> Oh.
>> Where does he get this?
[ Multiple Speakers ]
>> So where are you from?
>> Fresno.
>> Fresno?
What brings you out here to Hollywood?
>> The Showboy convention.
>> Showboys, wow.
>> Yeah. It's exciting.
Hi mom, I'm on TV.
>> Son of a bitch.
What?
>> Showboys!
Is this live or is this taped?
>> Yeah, it's Berkus, we may have a problem.
>> What kind of video was it?
>> Bad ass video.
>> Totally bad ass.
>> Really?
With like stunts and stuff?
>> No
>> Of course we did stunts.
>> Stunts we did all these [multiple speakers] --
>> Stuff like that.
>> What exactly did you guys do?
>> I don't know, but it was --
[ Multiple Speakers ]
>> His ass came out, it was --
>> Just shredding.
>> Guess who landed an audition to star
in the next Quentin Tarantino movie?
Me.
Me, I'm talking about me.
>> [Multiple speakers] Oh, oh yeah.
>> Holy crapola.
>> Yeah. The audition is not till Friday in Salt Lake City,
but I got to fly in tomorrow for a meeting.
>> On a plane?
>> That's amazing, Dylan.
>> Well, let's celebrate, huh?
All right, let's go, I know a place,
cheapest pitchers in town.
>> I gotta use the little girl's room.
>> Oh, Jessica, probably should move your car,
street cleaning tomorrow --
>> I'll get it.
I drive it all the time.
>> Are you sure?
>> Yes.
>> Alright well make sure you read the signs
and don't park in the red.
>> Yeah, yeah, yeah.
>> Has he been drinking?
>> He's always drinking.
[ Music ]
>> All right, there we go.
So guys, this is my girlfriend Rachel.
Rachel, this is Jessica, this is Randy, this is Decker,
and this is my brother Chaz.
>> Hello.
>> You never told me you had a brother.
>> Oh, come on.
We only been dating a couple of weeks.
>> Four months, asshole.
He thinks he's funny.
>> He's not.
>> Well, it's nice to meet you all.
I'd like to make a toast to my baby Dylan,
may he rock Quentin Tarantino's socks off.
>> Well said.
>> To Dylan.
>> Randy, check it out.
Want to make some extra cash?
>> Oh, sure, boy.
>> Let's do it.
>> Oh --
>> What's up?
>> So, did you guys have fun at the show earlier today?
>> Oh, yeah.
Thanks again, Rachel.
It was so much fun.
>> No problem.
>> Chaz and I got pulled up on the stage
to play this newlyweds game, and we actually won this dinner
for two at this fancy sushi restaurant,
people actually thought we were engaged.
So the rest of the show we had to pretend we were
so they wouldn't take it back from us.
>> Do you know, you two would actually make a really
cute couple.
>> Really?
>> Yeah. How long have you known each other?
>> About a year.
We met at school, we're both architectural design majors.
>> Really?
What a surprise.
Maybe you can talk him into going back
to school next semester.
>> Is he not going back?
>> He thinks he's not, he's an idiot.
>> Oh. Well I know he's not really the relationship type so.
>> Jessica, listen.
Chaz, doesn't even know what type he is.
Trust me. A girl like you I think could actually do some
good in his life.
[ Music ]
[ Groaning ]
[ Background Sounds ]
>> Yeehaw, Cowboy, high ho silver away.
>> Stop you'll wake her.
>> Atta boy, still sleeping, huh?
About damn time if you ask me.
>> What are you talking about?
>> Little Russel and tussle last night.
>> Relax, nothing happened.
>> Right. Are you kidding me?
Where's Decker?
>> He's shitting out those Buffalo wings he ate last night.
Your brother left you a letter.
>> Chaz, got you guys a catering job tonight.
I attached the directions.
I'll be back in two days, so don't burn the house down.
Last night was fun, I'd like it if we spent more time together.
Have fun at the convention.
Dylan.
>> What's wrong with you, you seem a little up tight?
>> The convention is two days away
and we still don't have tickets.
>> Dude, relax, it's all taken care of.
>> You just got laid.
>> I told you nothing happened.
>> Dude, relish the moment.
It's fine.
>> You two seemed to be hitting it off at the bar last night --
>> I was just drunk, okay?
Relax. What is everybody's deal with me and Jessica, okay?
It's not going to happen, get over it.
>> Geez, all right, dude.
Cry baby.
[ Music ]
>> What the hell is that thing?
>> Oh, dude, check this thing out, it's a bowl Decker
and me got outside the bar last night.
It's made out of some space ship rubber they use on the moon
or something, I don't know.
But it's a bowl that bounces.
Check this out.
Didn't spill a drop.
>> How much did you pay for that thing?
>> Shit if I know.
I was drunk as hell.
>> How long is your brother gone for?
>> Are you sure that thing can go in the microwave?
>> I don't know.
>> Hey, Decker?
>> Yeah?
>> You know that bowl we got outside the bar last night?
>> Yeah?
>> Is it safe to go in the microwave?
[ Explosion & Coughing ]
My bowl.
Jessica, stop, drop, and roll.
Stop, drop it like it's hot -- stop --
who pissed in her corn flakes.
>> Jessica, Jessica, wait.
Wait, where are you going?
>> I'm leaving, Chaz.
>> Why?
>> Why? Why should I stay?
>> Because we need you?
>> You need me?
You need my car, you need my money.
You don't need me.
>> What are you talking about?
>> God, I am so stupid.
>> Why are you saying all of this?
>> Where the hell is my car?
>> I told you, we're going to pay you back just as soon
as we get everything sorted -
>> It's not about the money, Chaz.
God, are you really that blind?
What do you think I'm even here for,
do think I'm just along for the ride?
Just to sight see in Hollywood?
You think I am here for my cup cake money?
Wake up Chaz, you're not going to win the competition,
I'm not getting any cupcake money.
It's not why I came.
>> So why did you come?
>> I came for you, you stupid ass.
I came because you needed my help, because I care about you.
I quit my job for you.
Because I was naive enough to believe
that maybe you could look past your stupid magazines
and your stupid self-centered ego
or whatever your deal is, and realize that.
>> I do. I do, I do realize that.
>> What am I to you, Chaz?
Huh? Have fun at your convention.
[ Music ]
>> Hey, Berky, baby.
You remember Buddy, right?
>> Yeah. Pleasure.
>> Hey, Buddy, get him a vodka, will you?
>> That gorilla of yours almost broke my arm coming in here.
>> Don't take it personally, he's like that
with everybody new he meets.
>> Well, look, the reason I called is because --
>> Yeah, yeah, yeah, we might have a problem, I know.
What is it?
>> It's these idiot retards from back home.
They're on to me.
I saw one of them on TV the other night.
>> An actor?
>> No, no he was in the audience.
>> What show?
>> Dicks and titties, what the fuck does it matter?
>> I would love that show.
>> No, look, the point is if one
of them is here they're all here.
I think they might be trying to stop me.
>> And do they know anything about Bert?
>> Not that I know of.
>> Did they know anything about me?
>> No.
>> Well then we have nothing to worry about.
>> No, you don't understand.
These guys have a unique God-given talent
for fucking things up.
If you let them into that convention
who knows what they'll do.
>> All right.
You got a photograph or something for me?
>> Yeah. All I have is this.
[ Music ]
>> Cute.
>> Yeah.
>> Look, all I'm saying is just keep an eye out for these guys.
>> Oh, I think I can handle these three little piggies.
>> This is going to suck.
Who sings Christmas songs at a banquet.
>> Catering, Randy, not caroling.
>> I'm nervous.
>> Relax, okay?
We need the cash.
So let's just go in there, do our thing,
smile, and get out, okay?
[ Music ]
[ Muttering ]
>> Hello.
>> What?
>>Is everything okay in there?
>> Yes, I'm a lady on the toilet
and I'm having some digestive problems.
[Inaudible] but I'm okay.
[ Silence ]
[ Inaudible ]
[ Music ]
>> Ready?
>> What the --
>> What the hell is that?
>> All my best friends watch Japanese Anime.
>> What the fuck?
[ Music ]
[ Screaming ]
>> Wait, wait, guys, what's the problem here,
what's the Problem here?
>> These two with you?
>> Yeah, we're working the event.
>> Not any more.
I'm going to have to ask you guys to leave.
>> I told you I working, damn it.
[Background Sounds]
>> God, I told you caroling sucked.
>> What the hell is your problem, Randy?
Is there anything in this world you cannot screw up?
>> What you yelling at me for?
He got us kicked out too.
>> I'm not the one who punched security guard.
>> No, you're just busy stuffing your fat face with h'orderves.
>> I'm not fat, Randy.
>> Why does everyone keep hitting me in the same damn eye.
>> Do you realize that we needed that job, huh?
That was our last chance to get enough money for the tickets.
>> The tickets?
That's what this is about, tickets?
>> It's always been about the tickets, Randy?
Why do you think we're here in the first place.
>> I took care of that this morning.
>> What are you talking about?
>> The ticket, I got them.
>> How did you get the tickets, Randy?
We didn't have enough money for the tickets.
>> I went on line, I came across three tickets
that were half price, so I couldn't pass it up,
because someone's going to buy them.
So I went ahead and got them, now we have them.
>> On line, where?
Craigslist?
>> No, what, do you think I'm a moron?
I went to the Showboys web site, you idiot.
Here, I got the receipt off your brothers printer.
>> This is a receipt for three nonrefundable pre-sale
discount tickets.
>> Pre-- discount, fifty percent off.
Half off.
>> No,no these are pre-sale tickets,
for next year's convention.
The reason why they're so cheap is
because you bought them a year in advance, genius.
>> No, no, I read it, I read everything on here.
>> No, you didn't read, Randy, because you never read.
As a matter of fact, I don't even know if you can read.
So not only are we ticketless, we're fucking broke.
>> Hey, relax --
>> No,you know what, I'm not going to relax, I'm not.
I'm not, Because you are a fuck-up, Randy,
you always have been, you always will be.
I don't even know why I brought you two retards.
All you do is make shit worse.
>> Yeah?
>> Yeah.
>> Well I'd rather be retarted than pussy spooked.
>> What?
>> Yeah, you heard me, you are pussy spooked.
You are spooked of the pussy.
Yeah. My name is Chaz, I got my heartbroken in seventh grade
and now all I can do is worship these Showboy honey girls,
blah, blah, blah.
>> You don't know what you're talking about.
>> Oh, I don't know what I'm talking about?
>> No.
>> That's because ever
since I've known you you've push away every girl that's even come
close to liking you.
Including Jessica.
Yeah, that's right, hello, McVey it's not rocket surgery.
Everyone can see she was into you -- except for you.
And now we're stranded here, she's gone,
and you're still a pussy-spooked dickless piece of shit.
>> Hey --
[ Background Sounds ]
>> Knock it off you guys, stop.
>> Oh, shit.
>> Same damn eye.
>> Stop.
>> You know what?
I should have kept my collection,
and let Berkus kick both your sorry asses to the street,
then I wouldn't be in this fucking mess.
[ Background Sounds ]
[ Music ]
>> What will I get you, son?
>> Jack, neat.
>> Make it a double, Bernie.
>> You got it.
>> Nothing gets you frisky quite like a double whisky.
Good friend of mine used to say that.
>> Thanks.
>> No, thank you.
Before you walked in here I thought I was the most miserable
son of a bitch in this town.
What's your name, son?
>> Chaz. You?
>> You can call me Jack.
Yeah, call me Jack.
>> Okay. Jack.
[ Music ]
>> What I said Jim, I got a joke for you.
>> Right.
>> Knock knock?
>> Who's there?
>> Fuck you, and I bash your face in with my head [laughter].
>> Oh my God, you --
>> Oh yeah, geez.
I haven't told that story in years.
>> Oh, wow.
>> So tell me, Chaz, other than you
and your buddies beating the shit out of each other
and your little girly-friend leaving you,
what brings you here?
>> I guess things aren't working out the way I planned.
>> How so?
>> Do you ever wake up
and realize you're wasting your entire life away?
>> Every day.
>> No, really --
>> No. Really.
How old are you, son?
>> 23.
>> I'm 64.
You mind if I lay a little old man wisdom on you?
>> Go for it.
>> There are only three things that are important in this life;
family, friends, and love.
Man can't have a happy life unless he has
at least one of those things.
You follow?
>> I think so, yeah.
>> Back in college a buddy and I had a plan.
Tommy was his name, Tommy V. We were going start a company,
something nobody had ever seen before.
And we were going to be rich.
And we did.
And we were.
>> What happened?
>> As soon as the company took off I cheated him.
I took his shares and cut him out
and left him in the dirt to rot.
He was like family to me, like a brother.
I'd give everything just to do it all over again.
>> Why don't you just call him?
>> Sometimes easy things just ain't that easy, son.
>> Time to go.
>> Looks like our time's up.
You remember what I told you, son.
All your worldly possessions ain't worth shit
if you don't have one of those three things in your life.
You make things right with your buddies
and with your girly-friend.
, and if you've got any family, trust me, you keep them close.
Life's too short for bull shit.
[ Background Sounds ]
>> Say, what was the name of the concert you wanted to go to?
>> No, convention.
It's the vintage Showboy magazine collector's convention.
>> No shit?
You hear that, Bernie?
Showboy's convention.
How much are tickets to that thing?
>> $150 a person.
>> No shit, $150.
Well, here's a little money to get you by.
>> Thank you, but --
>> I'm not asking and I'm not offering.
So you've got no choice.
You and your friends go and have fun at the convention.
Hey, you never know, I might just see you there.
Good night, Bernie.
[ Background Sounds ]
>> What a cool-ass fucking guy.
>> Hey, check it out.
I think I found the skate video we did.
>> Sweet, let me see.
>> Oh, they're --
>> I'm Decker, and I'm Randy -- and this is Queers with beers.
[ Music ]
[ Background Sounds ]
>> We are never coming back to Hollywood, ever.
>> Hey, guys.
Look, I wanted to say I'm sorry, all right?
>> Do you hear anything annoying, Decker?
>> No, I don't hear anything.
>> Oh, come on.
I invented that.
All right, look, I'm sorry for calling you guys retards.
I didn't mean it.
I was just a little on the edge
with the convention and Jessica leaving.
You know what, Randy, you're right.
You're right.
I am pussy spooked.
I am. I just never had the balls to realize it till now.
>> Man, I am sorry I called you a dickless piece of shit.
>> And I'm sorry I said you couldn't read.
>> Its alright man.
I can't. Well, I mean I can, but I just don't.
And I'm sorry I bought the wrong tickets and threw money away.
>> I'm sorry I ate all the horse dovers.
>> That's good, Decker.
That's good.
But none of that matters anymore because I got this --
>> Where the hell you get that?
>> Some weird, crazy, cool dude gave it to me
down at the bar on the street.
>> Sweet. Now we can buy real tickets.
>> No, even better.
Now I can buy a VIP pass.
You know that's where all the contestants hang out.
It's rumored that's where Bert's going
to make his first appearance there
and I'm betting Berkus will be there too.
>> Nice.
>> See, the only problem is that to go VIP you have
to submit a collection of Showboys, which leaves me
with about 16 hours to --
>> You need a collection?
>> Yeah. Why?
>> I got the perfect guy.
>> Party Marty?
>> Yeah.
>> He'll never give up his collection.
>> The hell with that, we're going rob his ass.
He's got it coming to him
with that stunt he pulled with the skate video.
>> Oh, shit.
The bad ass video.
>> Yeah, that one.
Bunny hop --
>> Totally bad ass -- I'm on the railing thing,
I shredded everywhere --
>> [Multiple speakers]
>> Let's do some shopping --
>> Shopping?
>> Bad ass shopping.
[ Music ]
>> Dude, that is the gayest knife I've ever see.
>> You're the gayest knife I've ever seen.
>> What's with all the duct tape?
>> You can never have enough duct tape, its uses are endless.
What the hell did you get?
>> Walkie talkies for communication,
face paint for camouflage, and a voice recorder.
>> What's that for?
>> Just always wanted one, that's all.
>> That is even more gayer than his mini me knife.
What are you going to do, interview someone to death?
[ Music ]
[ Ringing Phone ]
>> Hello diva.
Oh no, she's in the room.
Let me untie her so she can talk.
Oh no, you are the slut.
Don't Even.
[ Music ]
>> Decker, Decker.
[ Music ]
>> Wait, wait, wait.
>> What?
>> Check the bottom.
>> Open it.
Go.
>> Hey guys.
What took you so long?
Ooh, rubber outfits?
Kinky.
[ Music ]
>> Sorry I doubted you.
>> Baby, what the hell is taking so long!
[ Screaming ]
[ Ringing Doorbell ]
>> Jessica?
>> Surprise.
>> Where is your car?
How did you get here?
What are you even doing in L.A.?
>> A cab, it's a long story, can I please just come in?
>> God, I'm sorry.
Come in.
>> Okay, looks like our best bet is going
to be the two north east entrances,
prime locations because of capacity.
which means security will be at its loosest.
I'm going enter here, the VIP room.
That's where Berkus will be.
You guys need to enter here and make your way to the main room.
>> And we'll be wearing our sweet security disguises.
>> Right. And you're going to say --
>> Rocky, whatever it was?
>> Four.
>> We're [Inaudible] security for the dickle treats booth.
We need to get inside.
>> The main room is back and to the left.
You boys got your papers?
>> Who gives a fuck.
Dickle treats are gay.
>> Where the hell did they go?
>> You need to make your way
up to the main stage before 2 p.m. that's
when the ceremony begins.
[ Music ]
>> Hopefully by then I will have found and detained Berkus,
but that won't matter.
Because as soon as Bert starts to make his way
to the stage you need to cause a distraction, okay?
Throw a chair, run naked across the stage,
do anything to keep Bert from making his way to the podium.
>> Sweet.
>> Worse comes to worse, I'll tackle him myself.
>> What if we get arrested?
What do we tell them?
>> The truth.
>> What if they don't believe us?
>> They'll have to believe us.
[ Music ]
>> We need to get behind that stage, right?
>> Right.
>> What I'm going to do is go to the right, you're going
to go left, flank right to the edge of the stage, okay?
What I'm going to do is hop over there -- what --
>> Hey what's up?
>> Hey, how are you?
>> You must be [Inaudible] security?
>> Oh, we're special agent op's.
>> Stuff like that security.
>> Down stairs requires your assistance.
>> Okay, well I can call somebody else
in for back up on my team.
>> No, I think you should come.
>> Randy?
>> Hi.
>> Hi. Wow.
Wow.
>> Hi.
[ Music ]
>> Hello everybody!
And welcome to the Showboy VIP lounge.
[ Applause ]
>> My name is Ron Jeremy, and I'm your host
with the most -- inches.
But enough about me, it's time to play a little something
that I call the VIP lounge trivia showdown.
>> You're cute.
You got a girlfriend?
>> No. I mean yes.
God. Kind of, sort of.
>> Sort of?
>> Yeah.
>> What does that mean?
>> I don't know.
Sorry.
>> Excuse me.
>> What --
>> Ah ah ah.
[ Music ]
>> Wouldn't do that if I were you.
Let's go.
>> Let's bring up our contestant.
Contestant Number One, Mr. John Smith.
And contestant Number Two, Mr. John Smith.
Mr. John Smith [applause].
Come on up, guys.
>> Don't try anything stupid.
>> This is how the game works.
Whoever can answer the most questions correctly by the end
of the three minutes is the winner.
>> What do we win?
>> The winner gets to meet Bert personally before anybody else
gets a chance right behind that door over there.
Bert himself.
All right, are we ready, contestant Number One?
>> Oh yeah.
>> Are we ready, contestant Number Two?
[ Background Sounds ]
>> Dylan, doing something pretty big today,
not sure how it's going pan out.
In case something happens I need you, you know that I am sorry.
I'm sorry for being such a dick these past few years,
sorry for blaming you about losing dad's shop,
I'm sorry for not being the brother
that I know dad would have wanted me to be.
When all this is done I want us to be a family again.
I miss you, bro.
Love Chaz.
PS, sorry about your microwave.
>> Hey, putz, is contestant Number Two ready?
>> Ready.
>> Good. Don't fall asleep at the VIP lounge.
>> Yes Sir.
>> Won't stand for it.
>> Okay.
>> It's I rule.
>> I bet it is.
>> Remember that.
>> I will.
>> Here we go.
>> Wood chips.
[ Background Sounds ]
Possible kill point.
>> Who was on the cover of the 1984 issue
that was titled Too Hot to Not.
>> Felicia Bunsburner.
>> Correct.
How many issues of Showboy magazine are there today?
>> 602.
>> Correct.
In 1977 there was an issue featuring the first Showboy
honey twins, name one of them?
>> Googoo Bodysworth.
>> Correct.
And the other --
>> Gaga Bodysworth.
>> That's correct.
[ Background Sounds ]
[ Music ]
>> Peek a boo.
Hey, what the fuck you think you're doing?
[ Music ]
>> Oh my God.
[ Background Sounds ]
[ Muttering ]
>> Who has been on more Showboy covers
than any other Showboy honey?
>> Macoby Bangbang.
>> That's correct.
How many?
>> 11.
>> Oh my goodness, that's great.
That's the buzzer.
That's all the time we have.
All I can say is -- I thought I was a pervert.
Geez. Let's see what the judges have to say?
Look at that.
We have a tied score.
We are now going to go into what is called sudden death.
Well, okay, that changes things.
Due to some interesting circumstances,
a tied score is as good as wood.
So you both are winners.
Congratulations.
>> Can't let him back there, he's got a gun.
[ Music ]
>> Well, hello there, old friend.
>> Hello, Carlyle?
>> Where the hell is Bert?
>> Bert is going to be coming through that door over there
in exactly the three minutes.
Right on schedule.
>> What's with the showdown charades outside?
That really necessary?
>> I'm a man of control, Berkus,
I thought you knew that about me by now.
>> Hey boss, looks like they got the other two down stairs.
>> Oh, you hear that?
Looks like your buddies are you may safe and sound.
You'll be joining them soon.
But first I want you to watch a little history in the making.
Buddy, go get them.
It's show time.
[ Music ]
>> Kid?
>> Jack?
>> Hello, Bert.
>> Tommy? Jesus Christ, Tommy.
>> Ah, ah, ah stop right there --
>> Tommy -- Tommy B, you're Tommy B?
>> Thomas Fitzgerald Berkus, all right?
You finished getting your panties in a bunch?
>> What's with the piece, Tommy?
>> Shut up.
You have any idea what it feels like to be cheated?
To wake up every morning with the bitterness
of revenge running through your veins, to want something so bad,
something you can't have ,
something you know is rightfully yours?
Do you know what that feels like?
>> I'm giving it away, Tommy.
All of it.
To whoever wants it the most.
That's what this convention is all about.
I can't keep doing this forever.
>> What the hell are you talking about?
>> I'm sick, Tommy.
I don't know how much time I've got but it isn't a lot.
Whoever wins this competition gets all rights and privileges
to Showboy enterprises.
I'm ending this.
And I am ending my life one way or the other.
You'd be doing me a favor by pulling that trigger right now.
>> Berkus, put the gun down.
>> You spend your entire life hating someone --
>> Berkus, think about this.
>> That doesn't just go away.
>> You really think you're going to get away with it?
Wake up, Carlyle is using you.
>> I'm sorry, old friend.
>> Berkus!
>> Too late for sorry.
>> Uh-oh. Looks like somebody's gun is broken.
Luckily I got another one.
>> Damn it, Carlyle.
What the hell did you --
>> I am in charge now,
and if anybody's killing Bert it's going to be me.
>> Hey look at the chubby mother fucker right here.
>> Idiot. Look at the little body,
little chicken legs and shit.
>> Yeah. He look like he feminine.
>> Just a little bit --
>> What the hell -- what --
>> The fuck?
Where the hell is the other one?
>> Oh, shit.
[ Multiple voices speaking ]
[ Music ]
>> You all right?
What? What, I can't hear you?
Man up, let's go.
>> Okay, where are we going to go?
>> Just where the hell are you boys going?
>> Oh my God -- holy crap, that was awesome, dude.
>> Where's Chaz?
>> What's this?
>> It's a contract.
Giving me all rights and privileges
to Showboys Enterprises.
>> You dickless son of a bitch.
>> Smart dickless son of a bitch.
>> What are you going to do, kill us all?
>> Yep.
>> After all I've done for you.
>> Oh please, I've been running this company solo now for years,
while you've been sulking in bed crying
like a fat, old, drunken baby.
You think I didn't know
about your little health condition, old man?
Or that you were going to give everything away?
I don't give a shit about Showboy magazine,
I care about my money and my shares.
And I will be damned if you are going to take that away from me
and give it to some low life perv nerd jerking off
in the corner of his mother's basement.
Now sign it.
>> Shoot me.
>> I knew you were going say something like that.
And that is why I kept this guy around.
>> Damn it, Carlyle, it's got nothing to do with him.
>> Oh, I think it does.
Now either you start signing or I start shooting.
>> All right, all right.
Just calm down.
[ Music ]
>> Wait, Bert, before you sign
that contract I got a joke for Carlyle.
>> A joke for me?
Hey Buddy, did you hear that?
The kid's got a gun to his head, he's got a joke for me.
>> You gotta love him.
>> Knock knock.
>> Who's there?
>> Fuck you!
[ Music ]
>> Hang on, Tommy, I've got you.
[ Multiple Speakers ]
[ Music ]
>> All right, here he comes, let's do this.
Ready?
>> Whoa, whoa, what the hell are you guys doing?
>> Causing a distraction, what do you think?
>> Yeah, we're going to run across the stage butt ass naked.
>> Wait, listen I've got a better idea.
>> Well, good news.
I found your car.
It was towed in Hollywood,
the company that has it says it was parked in a red zone.
Damn it, Randy.
I swear sometimes I feel like he can't even read.
>> Jake, don't sit so close to the TV honey.
>> Why not?
>> Because your eyeballs will fall out, baby.
>> I don't know, Ange, it's like sometimes I'm his girlfriend,
and the next minute I'm just one of the guys.
I don't know what he wants me to be.
>> Listen to me, Jess, men are stupid.
They're just dogs with dicks, okay?
They don't even know what they're going half the time,
they're just doing it because their dick is telling them to.
>> Mama, look, boobies.
>> Jake, turn that off.
>> No, wait --
>> I'm here live at the Showboy convention
where there's a man hanging from the balcony.
>> Turn it up, turn it up.
[ Background Conversations ]
[ Applause ]
>> Thank you, thank you.
Bert will be arriving shortly.
Thank you guys all for coming.
Thank you for your patience.
>> I don't give a shit about Showboy magazine,
I care about my money.
I am in charge now,
and if anyone's killing Bert it's going to be me.
Please, please, everybody, calm down, calm down.
Somebody's playing a little joke.
It can all be explained.
I'll be damned if you're going to take that away from me
and give it to some low life perv nerd jerking off
in the corner of his mother's basement.
All right, just calm down everyone, just stay calm.
I can explain everything.
>> All right, let's count down from ten, okay?
>> Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, four --
>> You can't even count down from ten?
>> I don't give a shit
about Showboy magazine I care about my money.
Give it to some low-life perv nerd jerking off in the corner
of his mother's basement.
I don't give a shit about Showboy magazine,
I care about my money.
>> You're such an idiot.
>> Whoa, whoa, back up.
>> Stay back.
Stay back.
>> I want a chopper on the roof now.
Right now.
>> God.
>> This doesn't change anything, you know.
>> I know.
[ Music ]
[ Whistling Sound ]
[ Background Sounds ]
[ Explosion ]
[ Crowd Screaming ]
[ Music ]
[ Crowd Screaming ]
>> Security?
>> Security!
[ Music ]
[ Applause ]
>> Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to introduce
to you the new CEO of Showboy Enterprises.
[ Applause ]
>> Thanks, Bert.
Hello.
On behalf of everyone here today I think it's safe to say
that nothing really compares to this.
It's every Showboy lover's dream come true to even be here today,
let alone find out you're the new CEO of the company.
This will be a Showboy magazine collector's dream come true.
Which is why I cannot accept.
See, I've been collecting Showboys most of my life
and they always made me happy,
as I'm sure they make all of you happy.
Especially that weird creepy catch a predator looking guy
over there.
But it wasn't until last night that I realized something,
I realized that collecting Showboys wasn't really making me
happy, it was making me feel safe.
Helping me hide my miserably bleak insecurities behind a
blanket of gorgeous, beautiful, big-titted women --
>> Amen, brother!
>> -- and it was blinding me from the fact that the one thing
that makes me happy, the one girl
that truly does make me happy, had been right
in front of me the whole time.
[ Music ]
>> Where are you going?
>> Where do you think I'm going?
>> What do you think you're going to do, walk there?
>> I'm taking your car.
>> Jessica?
>> So with all due respect, Bert, I must here by forebear
and forgo your most gracious offer.
But thank you.
>> I'll take it.
>> No, I'll take it --
[ Multiple Speakers Shouting ]
>> Good for you, son.
[ Multiple Speakers Shouting ]
>> Let the competition begin.
[Applause]
[ Sirens ]
>> Whoa, hey hold it right there.
>> Mr. Bert, we didn't mean to cause any trouble.
>> We were just trying to save you.
>> We're sorry about the explosion.
>> It was his idea.
>> Relax guys, you've got nothing to worry about.
In fact, you're heroes.
I owe you my life.
Release these guys.
>> You don't want to press any charges?
>> No.
>> You're not mad?
>> Mad? Shit.
I'm impressed.
I could use a couple of guys like you in the company.
What do you say?
>> Can we stay at your place?
>> Hell yeah.
>> You all right?
They got you pretty good, huh?
>> Well, you know, chicks dig scars, right?
>> Hey thanks for the wood chips, man.
>> You know I meant what I said in that letter, right?
>> I know you did, Chaz.
I'm sorry too.
But hey, I've had enough crazy shit for one day, huh?
>> Let's talk about it tomorrow.
Besides, I think you've got a visitor.
[ Background Sounds ]
>> Hey.
>> Hey.
>> You came back.
>> I never left.
>> Jessica, look, I wanted to tell you --
>> So, did I miss anything?
>> Not much.
Just threw away a multibillion dollar company.
That's all.
>> Ouch. What the hell did you do that for?
>> A girl.
>> Must be some special girl.
>> You have no idea.
[ Music ]
>> Chaz, Chaz, Chaz, hey, guess what, Randy and I are going
to work for Showboy magazine.
>> Yeah. If you're lucky we'll invite you over for titties.
>> Titties!
>> Great guys, that's great.
>> Yeah, it is.
>> You know you're welcome any time, Chaz.
>> Thanks, Bert.
>> This must be the lovely Jessica.
I've heard wonderful things about you.
Is there anything I can do for you, Chaz?
>> Actually, there's one more thing.
>> Name it.
>> I have been wanting to start a business.
>> Really?
>> Yeah.
>> What are you selling?
>> Cupcakes.
>> Cupcakes?
Okay, sure.
Cupcakes. Is there anything else?
[ Music ]
>> You wouldn't happen to have any friends
in the movie business, would you?
>> Easy, easy, easy.
>> I'm sorry.
>> It's okay.
[ Ringing Phone ]
Hello?
>> Hey, Dylan, it's Quentin.
>> Who?
>> Quentin Tarantino.
>> Hey, Chaz, nice try,
but Quentin Tarantino's voice is 50 percent drag queen, not 100.
>> Dylan, it's Quentin, this isn't a joke.
Listen, I just got off the phone with Bert, he had nothing
but great things to say about you.
[ Screaming ]
[ Music ]
[ Phone Ringing ]
>> Hello?
>> Rise and shine, nutbutt.
>> Man when was the last time you guys were up before noon?
>> Hey man, people change.
I'm a businessman now.
I got parties to throw and titties to show.
>> No, I can't.
I've got finals this week.
>> Hey, Chaz, you've got to come to this one.
It's going to be huge.
>> Okay, okay.
Yes, trust me, I can't.
You guys have fun.
>> Your loss, gay wad.
>> Hey Chaz, say hi to Jessica for me,
and tell her we need more cupcakes.
>> All right.
>> Twinkle, twinkle.
>> All right.
Bye.
>> Bye.
>> Who was that?
>> The guys.
>> Another party?
>> Yeah.
>> Do you think they'll ever get tired of all those girls?
>> Doubtful.
>> You think you'll miss all those girls?
>> I've got all the girl I need right here on my laptop.
>> Pervert.
>> I am kidding.
>> Twinkle, twinkle?
[ Music ]
>> What will it be for you, handsome?
>> Make it a double Jack Daniels, neat.
>> So it went early today?
>> Yeah. Nothing gets you frisky quite like a double whisky.
>> Good friend of mine used to say that.
>> Well then, here's to him.
[ Background Sounds ]
[ Music ]
>> Okay, everybody, Showboys on three.
Ready? One, two, three.
>> [Multiple Speakers]Showboys!
>> Dude, percipical, percipical, idiot.
[ Music ]
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