"Big test for big boys with big poise!
This is a big test for Tanner's Books and Test and Beyond!" *giggling*
"Am I weird? I'm wearin' this hat all the time, it's weird! That's fuckin' weird, boi!
Do I look scene enough? I think I do!" *cackling*
*"Sugar, Sugar" by the Archies plays*
"Hey everybody! Welcome back to Tanner's Books and Beyond, here with another episode of Riverdale...stuff...
as you can see we got a microphone so you can actually hear us...probably...possibly -"
*majestic wooing* "We've tested it extensively." "Test?!"
"So homecoming!" "Yeah! All them old people reliving their high school glory days."
"That's all you get in a small town."
"Our reunion is in three years."
"Ooh...Ooh! Oh you're getting old!"
"Which plot line - ah let's do the Blossoms first because they're always the -" "Creepy?"
"Creepiest, beautiful, peak soap opera bullshit."
"Polly is doing the spying on the Blossoms and she -" "The first thing she finds!"
"Oh, it's this murder note!" "No! It's a room full of ginger wigs!"
"...are you telling me? This has all been a work? Are we getting worked?!
To think that these people are ginger! ARE THEY BRUNETTES?!"
"We get the backstory that her dad Clifford Blossom, the legend says he was wandering
around Silent Hill (their house) and he saw the ghost of his grandfather with his throat slit."
"That's fun." "Yeah.
And then his hair turned white and then like, it rejected the dye so now he just has to
wear wigs, and now that we know he wears wigs his hair looks fake as shit!"
"I know. Him and Hal have really weird hair, so I was wondering if one or both of them were wearing wigs.
Polly does that and then she and Cheryl are getting ready for homecoming dance, convinces
Cheryl to go into the parents room because apparently they're not supposed to go into
the west wing?"
"Yeah because that's wear they keep the cursed rose or some shit."
"Because the theme of the dance is Blast from the Past, so 'let's go grab some of your mom's
retro stuff or whatever' and she's like 'okay, whatever', they go in there -" "It's kind
of dissapointing, Penelope has no gold chains or Flava Flav clocks."
"I have one!"
"She doesn't have any snap bracelets."
"She doesn't have any Madonna lace gloves."
"Or cone bras!"
"If you're gonna go 80s you have to go full-out."
"They found Jason's Nana's ring that he used to propose to Polly with."
"That Polly thought was lost."
'The explanation they get from the parents when they confront them is that Jason was
so pissed at them the day he was leaving that he just, like, 'this family's empty! YEET!'"
*Ryan crack's up in the background* "I don't by that for a second.
They decide to drug Polly so that she doesn't go anywhere.
Nothing that's gonna hurt the babies, just gonna put her into a sleep." "Just arsenic!"
"Then Cheryl's like 'I was really concerned that the ring might get traced back to us
so I dumped it down the toilet!' and we all immediately called bullshit.
Ryan wasn't even watching at that point and he still called bullshit."
"We heard him from the basement!" "From the aether."
"And yeah, at the end it turns out that she really did keep the ring on her, so..."
"Yeah because apparently that's the One Ring.
I'm pretty sure they've had it since the Volsunga Saga! They're secretly descended from Sigurd and Brunhilde."
"It makes so much sense! Jason was actually killed by Odin!"
*Lindsay laughing* "Now he's in the underworld and we have to save him!"
"Then there's the...Coopers!
Beecause they are the regular competition for Peak soap opera bullshit."
"Alice wants some more information about FP.
She's trying to convince Betty to be in on the plot and Betty's like no!
She gtfos because she's gotta actually organize this dance."
"They have this really awkward family dinner 'cause Alice invites Jughead and FP over
not only so that she can interrogate FP, but so Archie and Veronica have a chance to raid FP's trailer."
"To see if they can find any evidence."
"Veronica is pretty sure that Hiram hired FP to kill Jason, and Archie gets concerned
because he hear's that FP's been pushing Jughead about his manuscript on the murder, his edgy
true-crime novel." "Ugh...kid's trying to be Truman Capote."
"Archie's like 'I think your dad's questions about everything you know about how Jason
died is less fatherly affection and more trying to figure out how much room he has to get
away with shit'.
So Archie and Veronica are searching the trailer, they find jack all; and at the family dinner
Betty is super pissed at her mom for making this awkward, so she decides to fucking double
down on the awkwardness."
"Jerry Springer-level fucked up by bringing in her dad!"
"Who, just so you remember Ryan, he was kicked out because he forced Alice to have an abortion
while they were in high school and then Alice lobbed a brick through the window of the office
he was staying in." "And he also tried to make Polly get an abortion." "Wow."
"And he's at war with the Blossoms because they killed his great grandfather.
Supposedly.
Maple Syrup."
"It all goes back to the maple syrup."
"All roads lead to maple syrup!
We'll make diamonds of the syrup!"
"We've got some maple syrup down there if you want to do something." "Uh...later."
"There was a bit of back and forth about what went down when that group were teenagers.
FP and Fred overheard Alice and Hal, who were homecoming king and queen, having a fight
over something, probably that abortion."
"He's like 'yeah Betty your parents were king and queen of Hell.'
Jughead's like 'dad please don't', FP's like 'nah nah it's a funny story.'
The C-Plot is Mary Andrews.
Who we're probably going to refer to almost exclusively as Molly because Molly Ringwald!"
"Molly has come back from Chicago for a visit and also homecoming, to reconnect, see how everything's going."
"And probably get Fred back and also if not that then at least get Archie back."
"Yeah and out of this town because she's probably been following what's been happening."
"'Man, this town's fucked!'"
"That's basically what she says to Archie, she's like -"
"'Damn, this town's fucked Arch!' 'Yeah it is. Please help me.'"
"She goes to the dance as Fred's date, but Hermione also goes to the dance as Fred's
date -" "They actually met up!" "- and it's a mirror of the scene where Archie comes to
the dance at the beginning of the season!
Mary even refers to Fred and Hermione as her dates! Plural."
"Idunno, maybe something happened twenty years ago?" "It's a mystery! It's a lesbian enigma."
"Molly goes into the bathroom and there's Alice, who decides to go full queen-bitch,
apparently she's been like that since middle school."
"And Molly's like this...has no effect on me, I literally don't care anymore.
The dance is always where all the shit goes down.
We get Archie and Veronica performing 'Kids in America', which is great!" "It was nice.
Other drama at the dance was Cheryl goes alone because, well, Polly's all knocked out."
"Fucking loser goes by themselves!"
"And Betty's like 'Cheryl wears Polly I thought you guys where campaigning to be co-queens!'
Cheryl's like ' Polly did a sugar crash and ditched me, so I'm NEVER DOING ANYTHING NICE TO ANYONE AGAIN!'"
"So she's just standing there, she's this red column, this bright red column, and she's
just *intense pouting* the entire time!" "'I had fun once. It was awful!'"
"'I wish I was at home mourning Jason's death.'"
"She leaves on the verge of tears when Archie and Veronica are singing, like
'Jason was a kid in America!'
Betty sees Archie and Veronica meeting with her mom and gives them death glares.
Everyone keeps trying to figure out where everyone else is from Kevin, Kevin's like
'you fucking heteros need tracking devices!
Please stop interrupting my adorable date with Joaquin.'"
"He's like 'this is the first time I've brought an actual boyfriend to a dance! Yay!'"
"Everyone rushes out in a huff at some point, then Sheriff Keller shows up, Jughead finds
out about all the shit people were doing tonight."
"And it's time for angst!"
"FP is arrested for Jason's murder because the police managed to find a gun in a lockbox in the trailer."
"After Jughead's like 'I'm never talking to any of you again!' and Betty's like 'I feel
sad, but I agree that I am also never talking to any of you again', then Archie and Veronica
manage to get to her and are like 'no listen!
We searched that place top to bottom, we never found that box, so that was planted after we left!'
If you watch that scene again, near the time that they're leaving, you can actually see
headlights move across the scene."
"Yeah and I think I heard some sort of bump too." "Yeah!
So I'm pretty sure someone pulled up and was waiting for them to leave so that as soon
as they were gone they could run in with the lockbox, and they would've seen Archie put
the hide-a-key back where it had been, so it would've been really easy.
But anyway, this gross violation of privacy may have saved everyone's lives."
"Now we know that FP probably didn't kill Jason.
He's of course gonna be the fall guy because he's the gangster type!"
"He's a bad boy. The nasty crime boy!"
"We did get a look at the promo."
"Fuckin'...I mean...they don't reveal a lot, it's mostly just intercut scenes of people
angsting, like 'how dare you accuse me of doing a murder that I have a lot of motive
to do!" "angst...angst...angst..."
"Or you know, confronting Penelope!" "angst...angst...angst..."
"Do you really think I could kill my own son?"
"YES."
"Somehow the Scooby gang managed to get a hold of a video of Jason getting killed.
That's some Saw shit right there."
"If you combine it with the fact that he was probably tied down for a few days.
This is what happens when Archie goes dark."
"There's only two episodes left.
No one has called this a weird mystery yet, so they better do that before the season's over."
"'Oh man guys, this seems like kind of a...weird...mystery.'"
*poor imitation of the "Archie's Weird Mysteries" theme*
"Four out of five milkshakes! We haven't given anyone milkshakes in weeks.
Because they're drugged."
"We've been chugging them up."
"That white vanilla milkshake? That's just a glass of cocaine."
"We drank the the kool-aid milkshakes.
We're stuck here now. We're trapped here forever."
"And ever and ever and ever!...in a little town called Riverdale!"
"We got Timbits!" *cackling* "Timbits for this test!
Testbits!
All fifty of them!"
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