I was sexually assaulted almost seven years ago - why didn't I report it!
#WhyIDidntReport is a tag that's been going around the internet in the wake of
the allegations against Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh in an attempt to
raise awareness why people do not report what has happened to them often times
for years sometimes for decades and sometimes never. So why didn't I report
what happened to me? Actually I did this is what happened. Hey guys its Jo,
welcome back to Trauma Talk I wanted to tell you a little bit today about the
process of me reporting what happened to me in the aftermath - how I
felt about that, and why people choose not to report and why I honestly
understand that as someone who did choose to report. I took me two weeks to
decide to report what happened to me like I said it happened about seven
years ago and I knew the person who raped me it was not the first time it
happened I was in a relationship with him it was an abusive relationship since
it started I could not see that I did not let myself see that he was extremely
manipulative and good at what he did he was emotionally and physically and
spiritually and sexually abusive and had me under his thumb since the beginning
and it took me a year of things getting worse and worse and worse to finally
figure out, oh my god, this is the situation I'm in this is dangerous this
is bad I am getting hurt I have to get out of this and it took a really bad
instance for me to realize what was happening and so in October of 2011, I
did that relationship thinking everything was my fault but I couldn't
stay that was my mindset when I left that relationship and no intense
intention of reporting him to the police at all it took me two weeks during that
two weeks all I could think was I can't ruin his life I'm not going to ruin his
life because in my mind I held the cards to be able to say something and if I
said this man raped me this man did something to me his life would go up in
smoke his life would go up in flames and I could not imagine doing that to
someone even though he had done unspeakable horrific things to me I
could not imagine doing something like that to him because I did love him I did
care about him even though he'd done these things to me after two weeks I
felt like I had to say something I didn't understand the process of
reporting I never really been a part of that world at all
I came from a very naive background and I did go to the police because I felt
like it was the right thing to do when I did that it was a pretty traumatic
experience people have had much worse experiences than I have but mine was not
a good one they did take my report the detective who I spoke with was not
respectful he did not care to listen he seemed like he was in a rush and had
better things to do he asked me questions that made it seem like it was
my fault he told me that I was lucky that it wasn't worse that I was lucky
that I wasn't dead that I was lucky that I was dating him that scrutinized the
fact that but I mean you were dating him right so you had slept together before
right I was like we'll never never like consensually because I didn't ever
actually want to do that and he made it clear that that's ridiculous and
relationships like that don't exist but he would look into it and so he looked
into it but he didn't look into it for three weeks because he forgot to file my
report - this is a true story- he went on vacation for three weeks and forgot to
do anything with it cuz I call that my call and I was like what is going on
like I haven't heard anything they're like oh that guy's actually on vacation
we don't have a record of what you're talking about so I waited until he came
back then the process actually started and it took about three months for them
to come back and tell me that they weren't going to take my case and this
is a quote from the DA because I pushed I push and I pushed I wanted to find out
like why aren't you going to take this because by this point I had found out
that he was a registered sex offender at the time that he'd done everything he
did to me that he had two convictions of sexual assault and I found this out
later but he'd also had two convictions of domestic violence and he also had
five restraining orders against him so that was like four things against him
this was a very dangerous person who had a pattern of violent behavior they knew
this they obviously had all this information and they weren't going to
take my case they weren't taking me seriously at all and so I pushed and I
pushed and I pushed until I eventually spoke to the DA it was a pretty small
County and what she told me and she saidI'm sorry
taking your case but honestly it doesn't look good you guys were dating and I
quote juries don't take women seriously in these cases anyways women often lie
so I'm sorry we can't do anything about this and that was really hard to digest
it was really hard to deal with I am glad that I went forward I'm glad that I
told my story simply because at the end of the day I know that I can tell myself
I did everything that I could that is not everyone's story that is not
right for everyone to do I am NOT promoting that everyone tell the police
what happened necessarily because it's not a great experience and I experienced
a lot of shame and a lot of guilt because I went forward because I told
them because I want to people who were in position of power and because
previously I thought if I tell what has happened to me I'm going to ruin this
man's life like I hold so much power and I don't want to hurt anyone but I want
to do the right thing and when I went forward I realized oh my god I actually
don't have any power like I don't have anything someone can do whatever they
want to me and I don't have anything my words mean nothing and I understand like
I didn't go to the hospital and get a rape kit right when it happened
so these cases are very difficult to prove with that being said it's also not
difficult not to shame people it's not difficult not to ask people stupid
questions and tell people this stuff doesn't happen in relationships and not
to ask people questions not just about what they're wearing for police report
reasons but to insinuate that what they were wearing was the wrong thing which
should happen when I was in that police room one thing people don't realize
happens when you report is that you are acknowledging what happened to you often
times the vast majority of the time people go into denial about being
sexually assaulted being raped being lusted something horrible something
unspeakable happening to them and when you go to the police when you go to the
authorities and you say this happened to me and you tell them in excruciating
detail precisely what that is you can't deny it to yourself anymore very easily
you are suddenly the person who that happened
and it is not simple to write it off in your head anymore and pretend like it
didn't happen I didn't realize the ripple effect that would take place in
my personal life when I came forward about this that is another reason why
people do not come forward with this information because what can happen in
your personal life is heartbreaking people don't know what to do with you
when you're hurt like this people don't know what to say to you people don't
know how to respond they don't know how to help and so oftentimes they hurt a
lot more than they help and your personal life can fall apart your
friendships your relationships family member relationships just break apart
because people tell you to get over it people tell you that it was your fault
people tell you to take responsibility people tell you all kinds of things and
it hurts and you don't know what to do with it and it takes years and years to
heal from and it's a long process if you come forward if you report it if you
make it known if you make a statement if you stand on that suddenly you have to
take all of that you have to suddenly be willing to deal with shame and blame and
guilt and accept that this thing actually happened and sometimes I still
don't accept that it happens sometimes I still don't accept that that really
happened to me sometimes I still feel like I'm trying to live in denial except
that I can't because I know that it really did but coming forward is not
like saying that someone broke into your house when your body becomes a crime
scene when someone literally took control over your physical being that's
a feeling that if you have not experienced that I truly hope you never
have to but it's something that can't be described in words it's horrific you
don't want to think about it you don't want to relive it you want to pretend it
never happened and if you come forward and say it happened that's not something
you can take back and most people want to live like it never happened
the problem is if you live in denial that leads to really damaging things in
your personal life and so I encourage people to tell their stories and safe
ways but our justice system is not a safe place to tell your story oftentimes
and so I think it's an intensely personal decision whether you go to the
justice system or whether you do not if you're interested in more reason
why people don't report their assaults click any of the links in the
description below here on YouTube or one of the sides if you're on Facebook or
just type in the hashtag on Instagram or Twitter or Facebook why I didn't report
you will see so many stories real stories of real people why people did
not report to the police there is many reasons as there are people out there
it's like I said an intensely personal decision
some people never say anything to anyone some people say things immediately it's
across the board and it's people's own decision to make and just because
someone didn't say something immediately does not mean it's not true that is a
fallacy and that is something that we needed to spell in the media because
it's not true like I said it took me two weeks to come forward and there is so
much that goes on in your head during that time and so much that goes into
that decision thanks for watching guys, I am Jo Beckwith and this is trauma talk
let me know what you think of this hashtag why didn't report have you been
watching this have you participated in it all what do you think of this
movement and how are you responding to it let me know in the comments below I
look forward to talking to you then! Bye guys!
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