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Hi guys. So today's video is about rejection. And how to handle it.
Hi, I'm Astrid. I'm the founder of The Arc, an international Master Mind for everybody who is impact-driven
and wants to use their unique talent, purpose and passions to build
something that inspires themselves and others.
Now, the topic of this
video obviously hasn't been because I like it so much,
or because I'm such a master of it. Actually those of you know me know that
rejection is probably the worst thing you can do to me. I am doing so much in
my life just to not get rejected, right?! Nevertheless it's been so much requested
and at least we thought we should share some of the ways how I and we have
learned to deal with rejection. And some ways to figure out to sort of stay sane
anyways. So in the coming minutes we're going to share three essential truths
that we have discovered in our coaching's that never really help us but
also clients so much to handle they're sort of bad feelings around rejection.
Also, if you want to get started for real do stay tuned with us until the end of this
video, because that's when we're going to give you a hint on how you can work
together with us. So we are coaching so many entrepreneurs. And obviously
rejection is this one big fat topic you know fear of failure is probably
discussed in almost every single meetup that I've been to. But this is not just
something for entrepreneurs. I mean, it's probably not worth saying, but well... being
rejected is something that everybody meets in their daily lives.
So the first insight is that: if people reject you
it actually rarely has anything to do with you as a person. I mean, just think
about it: rarely do people wake up in the morning saying: "Hey, today I'm going to
make someone else brutally unhappy ,and that person happens to be YOU!" First of
all: that rarely ever happens. And second of all: if that does happened
why would you even care? You know, if someone makes it
the mission of their life to make you unhappy ... like... why would you even care?!
Sure, there's a lot of people that we actually encounter in our coachings
who are so frustrated. Almost hopeless or even desperate about the idea that:
"Wow, what am I putting out in the world that other people have the impression
they can do that with me? Am i someone who's just worth being treated so bad?"
And if that's a the question that's familiar to you, think about it like this:
What if it was YOUR CHOICE to think whatever you want to think? And I know
this sounds so weird for some of you -you know- saying: yeah, all that positive
thinking bla-di-bla-di-bla. And it is a bit of a thing to wrap your head around.
But at the end of the day there's nobody forcing us to think such things. And I'm
saying this because I've been there I've also thought these things. And I felt
miserable because of people -you know- not being nice
#teenageyears. But nobody forces you to think that. So you could just as
well let it go. One approach that I personally really like, that really helped
me where the words of Andy Goldstein. Because what he is saying is: "Look,
there's no point in worrying about failure." Or for that video it would mean
'worrying about rejection'. Because, hey, it is going to come! There's no way you're
going to live your life without ever failing, without ever being rejected. The
important question is not: "When does it come? And how can I protect myself as
good as possible from this?" The important question is: "When failure or rejection
comes, what kind of person are you choosing to be? What kind of person are
you choosing to be when the sh** hits the fan?" And that's the one thing he
loves saying. And the other one I really like from him, the other statement is
that: "What if you managed to think of rejection (and a failure) as an
opportunity for breakthrough?" And I know it sounds so US-American:
"In dark times look for the opportunity for breakthrough!" But literally I have
been applying this on myself. And trying to take a situation where you feel so
utterly terrible, and try to see what other maybe tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny
opportunities that could turn this situation into something wonderful? It
just shifts your focus entirely. And as we all know: we are our thoughts! You know,
our reality is what our brain makes of it!
The second insight is: What if rejection is just another form of a 'feedback'? And
feedback -as we all know- MAY tell you something about the receiver. But
DEFINITELY tells you something about the sender. So one example I always like to
quote is that years ago, I myself was in some personal development course. And we
were in small groups. And the task was to sort of give each other constructive
feedback. And I remember, we had one participant in our group of who
everybody said: "You're so dark. You're so bitter. You're surrounded with such a
heavy energy." And I was confused because I failed to see darkness in him. I saw
emptiness. I saw sort of a sense of him being very bored, but I didn't see
darkness. So in the coffee-break I was asking my fellow participants: "How
come you saw that darkness?" And they were going: "Wow, didn't you see his tattoos on
his arms? It was crazy! The guy was so dark!" And I'm like: "Huh? How did these
tattoos make him dark?" And it turned out that he had a lot of Satanistic
symbols and and Gothic symbols on his arm which I simply did not know. So there
are a couple of very interesting truths that came with us for me. One was:
Because I hadn't known what these symbols meant and I just didn't see that sort of
darkness in him. It was nothing that I had associated with that
person. They however do. And the second cool of funny truth was like: In any
case this guy turned out to be this completely funny and sweet loving family
father who definitely sort of regretted years later that he had committed that
little thing of putting those symbols on his arm. And I love the story because it
illustrates so well: Your own glasses are most of the time what determine your
feedback. And it's not so much of the person or the thing that you are
feedbacking. So if I try to get over one rejection one way of thinking
that I try to apply is: rather than saying "Wow, I really suck! I must be
terrible!", I try to think "Wow, that is apparently the way that this person
chooses to reveal him or herself to the universe today! It may have something to
do with me , maybe it doesn't! I have to choose by myself what it is that I'm
taking out of this feedback."
And the third insight is related to the second. It
is: Know who you are! If you know who you are, you're going to find it so much
easier to have stable grounds to stand on when -you know- people throw stuff at
you. And I have experienced this in so many ways in my life. But I remember one of
the weirdest way was: When I was in my teenage years, I lived in another country
for a longer amount of time and I actually ended up being accused of being
a Nazi. Because that was something they thought about Germans.
I personally was completely sure that "Nazi" is something I definitely was not.
So that sort of accusation never -sort of- got through.
I was rather thinking: "Wow, what did you drink this morning?" And that was because
I was definitely sure that the thing I was being sort of called out for wasn't
something that I had made myself of guilty.
Is it always like that?
Hell, no! I mean, we are building a business of the coaching space and
interestingly, we have hard data and a lot of data that The Arc is changing
people's lives massively. And still when I meet people from my past that trigger
me easily for instance, I doubt! Right? I doubt: Is what we're
doing really the best thing I could possibly come up with?
Is it really? You know, and I love this question that I sometimes get being
asked: Are you having a real job? Isn't that something slightly esoteric?
All these things . And I get so insecure about them, because sometimes I don't
know who I am. And I just want to share this with you, because that's a journey
that I am personally on. And I said I'm not a master of -you know- having
rejection come at me and saying: Yeah, I am the king of the universe! And maybe
the final, final inside is: It's a freaking journey! Cultivating self-love,
cultivating self-knowledge is something that never ends. I think it
would be crazy to say that my goal is to at some point be fearless of rejection.
Because also, if I don't have any fear of rejection how would I celebrate if
someone says yes? If someone says yes to me as a person, to the things I'm
building or the people around me? So maybe that's the closing sentence: if we
are fearful off rejection, it doesn't mean that is the end of the world!
Yeah, that's it for today. I hope that you found this valuable. Let me know in the
comments, if you agree or disagree with the points that we've said. Maybe you
also have your own little strategy on how you handle rejection better. And as
always: If you want to get started for real get some real-life kick-ass
coaching, and lift yourself to the next level
by using your passions, values and talents to
build something that inspires yourself and others? Do dare to sign up for a
coffee chat with us (Thearc.site/coffeechat). It's a 45 to 60 minute free coaching conversation in
which we find out together: Hey, what's holding you back? And
whether The Arc is the best organization for you to fuel your own personal growth.
With these words, I am wishing you a fabulous rest of the day and enjoy
whatever is coming next!
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