For years I've been tormented,
wondering, "What is my purpose?"
"Who am I?"
"Is there a God?"
-The more I sat with these big questions,
the more I realized I needed help.
So I called Prophets for Profits and,
my faith finally outweighed my doubt enough
for me to say I'm, pretty sure I'm Buddhist.
Prophets for Profits is a For-Profit Call Center
that helps you decide which belief system best suits your insecuriites.
Feeling anxious?
Try Judaism!
Need to unload your guilt?
Give Jesus a call!
Auditions not going well?
Scientology is the one for you!
Prophets for Profits, how may we direct your money?
The process is simple.
And even a little fun.
Our patented Questions-Be-Gone Questionnaire
will reveal your deepest insecurities and darkest regrets.
Which are then sent through our matchmaking matrix,
to accurately anoint you with your new spiritual identity.
And no, your information will never, ever be used for
blackmail or bribery.
You've devoted countless hours
to figuring out which health insurance,
wireless plan,
and pair of shoes to buy.
Why not spend a few minutes today
to figure out which Truth to buy?
-I mean, I have no idea.
And quite frankly, I'm tired of even thinking about it.
Just tell me which one and I'll make it work.
If you experience existential dread,
crippling self-doubt,
complete confusion,
diminishing sense of identity,
numbness of the brain,
common human depression,
fear of existing,
fear of not existing,
desire to be closer to God,
or just wish you knew what was going on around here,
Prophets for Profits is the Call Center for you.
One of life's biggest misconceptions is
thinking that you need to know what's going on.
But the fact is, all you really need
is to THINK you know.
[Phone ringing.]
-Hello.
Hey Jim! I can't remember...
Is God responsible for EVERYTHING that happens on Earth,
Or just responsible for the GOOD things that happen on Earth?
-Well, let's see.
In Ancient Scripture 2, Section 9, Paragraph 6,
Verse 40, Line 15 it says,
"You just have to have faith!"
Right. Yeah. Forgot.
That makes sense. Thanks!
-I like the travel opportunities Judaism, but
I also like the trendiness of Buddhism.
Is there a way to do both?
-Of course.
Just tell us what percent of which religion
you believe in.
And that same percentage
of every dollar will go directly to that religion.
Ta-Da!
Just like that, you're a Buddhist Jew!
I used to really pride myself on being open-minded.
But I gotta say, narrowmindedness is highly underrated.
And if none of the available religions work for you,
or if you're just looking to make a quick buck.
You can join our Prophets for Profits
For-Profit, Profit-Share-Club
and build your own religion in minutes!
Answer these three questions and our spiritual optimization team will handle the rest.
Is your belief system 'guilt based' or 'fear based'?
Will you accept cash or credit?
Are you comfortable lying to large groups of people?
And we don't just work with the Abrahamic Powerhouses,
We've got representatives from every boutique belief system,
including Satanism, Jainism, and Atheism.
And if you're not the spiritual type.
Give one of our Science-based dogmas a try.
And if even those don't work,
You may have come to the realization that
everything you think is just a concept
you've adopted from an external source
And is ultimately limited by
your intellectual ability to comprehend
abstractions of the universe.
But be careful,
The universe is just another concept.
Call us now to find out just how f**ked you are either way.
Prophets for Profits,
How much would you pay for peace of mind?
A lot, right?
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