Hi everybody and welcome back to my channel. So today I wanted to
Talk about how to remove yourself from toxic family situations and I have my own
Toxic family situation and I'll tell you guys about later without further ado. Let's get started
So before we get started today
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Okay, so I told you guys I have my own kind of personal family
toxicity story
I'm not gonna get into like the bulk of it because it involved talking about things that I personally if I was in
Their position I wouldn't want it to be spoken about without my pin scent
So I will just say that I have a couple of family members who are incredibly
manipulative and like generally I do still love them and I want them to do well and I I want them to
Have happiness in life and I want them to experience joy and like have things go right for them
But I just have found that I cannot be involved in their day-to-day
I can't really keep a close relationship with them because when I do it makes me a little crazy and because of some of the
Incredibly hurtful and damaging things that they've done in the last, you know, 15 years. I just I can't with them
So I have personally cut myself off from some of my toxic family and it is very difficult not gonna lie
it sucks and it feels very
Isolating especially if you find that some of your family is really good at manipulating the rest of your family
It can be very isolating and I'm not gonna say that it's easy
But when it comes to your sanity having your sanity or having your family
I would rather choose having my sanity at the end of the day the relationships that I do have with family members are very
Strong because I have set my boundaries and they've set their boundaries and it's it's easy to have that good family
Dynamic when you both respect each other and when you're willing to compromise
to respect other people's boundaries
so a lot of people think you know
You have your family and you have to stick by them to stick and thin and I do agree with that if anything
Happened to a couple of family members that I've been talking about
I would be there for them in a second
like if one of them ended up in the hospital or if there was some like horribly traumatic thing that they could
Figure out on their own that was going to like end their life. I would 100% be there, but when it comes to the day-to-day
Manipulations and you know bad decision-making
there's only so much that you can do and if you make yourself crazy to
Bend to their will then they will just keep doing it and doing it and doing it. There's never an end
So I personally have found that removing myself from this situation makes me feel a lot better about it
even if I don't get the relationship that I would like with them you may be wondering what
Exactly. Are you talking about when you talk about a toxic family member?
So let's talk about some of the signs that your family member may be toxic
So one of the things that I see most online is people using the word toxic in a very willy-nilly fashion
So I want to just get it out there a person that you don't like is not toxic a person that you find to be
unpleasant or you know depressing is not toxic chances are if you are thinking that anyone that
expresses a
Negative viewpoint of the world is toxic
Then you probably need to do a little work on yourself because that is not very compassionate and that is extremely judgmental
So if you feel like people who are who tend to be more pessimistic
Or toxic you're denying their right to have complex emotions about issues. And that's a problem, too
Like obviously if someone's always kind of a downer then yeah, it's not fun to hang around them all the time
But that doesn't make them toxic and I think it's really important to set that distinction so that you can determine when someone is manipulating
You or when you just don't really like hanging out with someone one of the most common signs that someone
could be a toxic person is that they lie often and this can be about pretty much anything the
Relatives that I have kind of audio strum my life lie about pretty much anything
to make sure that other people feel the same way that they do about both me and my mother and to also
Get what they want from people. It's used as a manipulation tactic. So it's used to keep you and your place
it's used to keep everyone operating in the type of
theatrics that a person wants
ultimately
So they might look at other people as pawns to get them what they want rather than as family members who have their own
Insecurities their things that you know, make them happy the things that they want in life
They don't necessarily
consider that it's all about them at the end of the day the second thing kind of ties in with the first thing and that
Is manipulation part of manipulation could be lying
It could also be using their negative viewpoint their negative experiences
To get you to do things for them or it could be playing people against each other
So that's that's the most common one is playing people against each other telling stories to this person telling a different story to this
Person and a different story to this person to get them all working against each other and all working for you
So that's another thing to look out for is manipulation
The third thing to look out for is if this person does not take responsibility for their actions
That's a big one. They don't want to take responsibility for their actions. Nothing is their fault
They're just the victim and everything and they need your help
And if you think it's their fault, then you're just being a horrible person and you don't deserve to be part of their family
That's a big one if they play the victim all the time. That's a big sign
The fourth thing to look out for is if the person is controlling
So and I don't mean controlling like a person who's naturally like a type-a
Personality like needs to have everything in control and likes to take over when it's like social time
I mean controlling in a way like I'm sure you want to wear that
Alright well guess it's your life or
Honey, you would look so much better if you would do X Y Z. So, are you still working at the restaurant? Oh
Well, when were you gonna go back to school being kind of condescending and expecting you to you know cater to them another way?
That they can control is by trying to isolate you from your finances
so if they always have something that requires your money, that's a form of control and there are obviously
Multiple ways to be controlling but those are just a couple of examples for you
so again
I
Have said that obviously they like to play the victim. They like to play the victim the martyr, whatever you want to call it
They essentially want people to look at them as oh poor her. She's you know, she's dealing with so much
Did you know that she has this and this and this happening in her life and sometimes all those things are happening?
Sometimes it's because of things that they've done
Sometimes it is lies that they're telling to try to get people to do things for them
so it's important to
really think about the things that they're saying and the way that they're presenting it and making sure that if you feel like they're
Constantly playing the victim that you have evidence of the things that they're saying. Don't just take them at their word
and then the last thing that I wanted to mention is that toxic people tend to not be respectful of boundaries and in fact sometimes
they're very defensive when you mention that you have a boundary about something and that's just I mean
That's an obvious red flag for pretty much any person if they don't respect your boundaries if they argue with you about your boundaries
And that's probably a person that you don't want to be around very often
another thing that I want to mention and this is kind of it's a difficult thing to think about but oftentimes
When you've been around toxic people for long enough
You might start picking up some of their personality traits
So it is worth it to consider if you are truly an innocent bystander
In this relationship or if you have actually picked up on some of those
Toxic behaviors that your family member may or may not possess
So in this process make sure you're being open and honest with yourself about your strengths and your weaknesses
and make sure you're doing work to heal yourself while you separate yourself from your
Toxic family members because that's gonna be your most important thing that you have to do is to learn how to take care of yourself
And to learn how to be honest with yourself if you've picked up some bad behaviors
And then the last thing that I wanted to mention before I get into my tips is that I'm only talking about
garden-variety
Toxic behavior. I am NOT talking about abuse. You are absolutely welcome to react to your abuser
However, you choose you are not required to be polite with them. You are not required to be compassionate with them oftentimes people
Say that it's easier to be compassionate with your abuser
But I feel like that is that's putting the onus on the victim of abuse
to behave in a certain way instead of putting the onus on the abuser to change their ways and to
Apologize and try to make things right?
So I say, you know
if you've been physically sexually abused if you've been
Emotionally abused for a very long time by someone then you choose how you want to approach that
Obviously therapy needs to be involved
you need to like really do some self work to make sure that you're processing your emotions around abuse and
a positive way and you're not
Allowing that to create negativity in the rest of your life
So obviously you will still continue to feel the effects of the abuse for a while if not forever
however
there's a difference in feeling the effects of the abuse and knowing how to cope with that and then allowing your previous abuse to
Color the rest of your life and everything that you do in a very negative way and to feel that it holds you back
Instead of being an experience that you've processed and you've learned how to cope with and that's what therapy does like
It's it's not a magic trick
You can't go to a therapist for six months and expect to be healed
But they do give you coping tools and I always recommend that people
Go see a therapist when they have had issues like abuse or even toxic relationships
Just learning how to best approach the situation and how to best cope with it. Some really great coping skills
That's that's what you need when you've been through traumatic events. All right, let's move on to the tips of how to
Extract yourself from a toxic relationship with a family member
So the big thing is you're most likely not going to be able to take yourself
Completely out of the equation and just never see them again. They're family. You will likely run into them again
So it's good to not entirely
Burn the bridge if possible because you want those family interactions to not be reach remote izing for you
so my first piece of advice is to
write out what you're gonna say to them and to write it out as concisely and
Compassionately as you possibly can so we're not throwing Barb's here. We're not calling people names
We're not saying you always do this
We're just laying it out on the line what we feel we're giving
examples of why we feel that way and then you were saying I need to take time and space to work on myself and to
get back to a good place where I can work on our
Relationships so likely they're going to try to bait you into an arguments
That's just a thing that happens and people get defensive and the first line of defense is often an argument
so you need to prepare a sentence in advance that shuts down the
Argument and you need to be prepared to repeat it as many times as you need to to get the point across
So an example that I've written up for you guys
You're very demanding of our time and you're very demanding of me as a person in my resources
But I often feel like it's not reciprocated in our relationship and give an example
I also am concerned about the amount of drama that tends to follow you and I'm really trying to make my life as simple as
I possibly can and I can't have the drama in my life right now
So I need to take some space and just really work on myself
And then maybe in a few months we can get back together and talk about things
And the big thing is I always want to explain to people like I don't want to just ghost you
I don't want to just disappear on you. I want to tell you what's going on in our relationship
but I don't want that to feel like this is open to
Conversation this isn't a conversation. I'm telling you what I need and then you can either respect it or you don't respect it
But this is what I need
This is what I'm gonna take
I'm taking time to work on myself
And then if they start to argue with you just saying something simple like I understand that this is very upsetting to you
I totally get it but I don't feel like a conversation or an argument is gonna benefit either of us at this point
so let's take a few months and then come back to it after we've thought about it for a while and the second tip is
Take your space and that means do not respond to emails text messages voicemails
Don't respond to other people asking you to talk to them. Just say I need to take my space and
really hold to it and that's gonna be
challenging for you at first because you've most likely been doing this song and dance for quite a while and
It's going to be kind of in your nature to respond to every little thing
so I would say make sure you're
Reminding yourself to really take that space once you say you want it
another point on that one is to remove access to social media if they
Actually are on social media and I always recommend doing it in the most delicate way
possible if you feel like you're going to be able to
retain a
Relationship with this family member and that is to put them on a filter and only allow them to see things that you don't care
If everybody knows because at that point you're basically posting articles or like, you know random pictures
Maybe a dog me more - so nothing that is really important to you
If the relationship is unhealthy enough to the point that you know
You can't trust them with any information with any ability to contact then block away
my third tip is to understand and accept so
Accepting doesn't mean tolerating. It doesn't mean being okay with someone overstepping your boundaries. It means this person will likely never change
It doesn't do you any favors
And it doesn't do them any favors to continue to try to change their outlook to change their personality to change their behavior
They likely are not going to do any of that and you have to be okay with it
So if you allow yourself to harbor the idea that maybe maybe I can change them
Maybe I can talk some sense into them. Then. You're just putting yourself at risk for more disappointment for more disconnect from your family
So just understand and accept that they are who they are
That doesn't mean that you have to accept abuse or accept their drama
It just means that you have to accept that they are who they are
And all you can do is be the best person that you can be another thing that you have to accept
is that their view of you if they are toxic their view of you is likely not going to be
Very positive after you've put up your boundaries and really stuck to them the toxic family member may at that point
refer to you as toxic, they might refer to you as a drama queen as an instigator and they might try to portray you as
Those things to your other family members and all you can do at that point is if anyone
mentioned something like that to just say I'm sorry, she feels that way or I'm sorry, he feels that way and
Keep being your usual self, you know, you can't control what someone thinks about you, but you can control how you react to them
so just make sure that your reactions are coming from a place of
Love and acceptance and just saying, you know, I can't change what this person behaves like
But I can prove that I myself
And behaving like a respectful person and then another big part of that is just making sure that you're not taking it personally
Because it's gonna suck at first
Mm-hmm. It doesn't feel good to have people say really horrible untrue and negative things about you to anyone who'll listen
But you can't take it personally because it's not about you. So yeah, it's still gonna hurt
Yeah, it's still gonna kind of make you feel like things are stacked against you
But it not about you so you can't take it personally the minute you start taking it personally
You're gonna start being defensive about it
You're gonna start trying to argue with all these things that this person is saying and it's going to get back into the same toxic
Cycle that it's been in another thing that I wanted to warn you about
Is that the abuse might get worse before it gets better?
So this person may decide because you have stood up for yourself
You've said what you needed to say and you've cut them off that
They want to get really defensive and they want to kind of go on a rampage against you
Thinking that you might be telling other people about what you think. So that's just a warning to you
It's likely gonna get worse before it gets better, but don't let that deter you
I mean it it has to happen the way that it happens and
Eventually all things come to light. So you have to kind of stay the course and make sure you're holding your boundaries
Make sure you're not getting sucked back into the drama. That's the big one and make sure you're working on yourself
You can't change anything that they choose to do. You can't change what people
Believe or what people will listen to you can change. How you behave and how you
Keep your boundaries up and my last piece of advice is to be firm
But kind there's really no reason to be
Unkind to someone even if they have been unkind to you in the past and again, that's not about like long-standing
Abuse of a person like physical mental emotional sexual like that's a completely different level
I'm just talking about toxic family members people who are manipulative people who play the victim people who are
Frequent liars like that's what I'm talking about. There's really no reason to be unkind to them
It is likely that
They can't really help who they are or they can't see who they are and you're not doing yourself any favours
You're not doing them any favors by throwing Barb's by calling names by making things ugly
And also if you want to keep a relationship with the other members of your family
It behooves you to behave as kindly as and compassionately as you possibly can to this person who is toxic
So again keep your boundaries
Say what you need to say
But there's no reason to be ugly about it resist the urge to blame
Resist the urge to call names resist the urge to be Petty and make sure you're keeping yourself up to those high standards
Too. So you're trying to remove the toxic person from your life
Make sure you're not then becoming toxic and that's all I've got for you guys today. I hope this helped you out
I hope this at least gave you some clarity on things that you can do to kind of help your situation
Obviously, it's still gonna be hard. There's nothing easy about having those conversations with your family members
Especially and with family members who tend to be defensive and who tend to play the victim
It's gonna be very challenging for you
But I think knowing what you're getting into makes everything a little bit easier and also having like a really solid game plan
So make sure you write out your sentences make sure you've rehearsed them so that you don't go off track
You don't get into an argument
Make sure you have your blocking sentence if they try to argue with you and most of all make sure you're taking care of yourself
That's the big one because likely you've been suffering some pretty gross abuse and you need to make sure that you're not taking on those
Ugly personality traits you're not taking on any of the things that they might say about you because at the end of the day
That's not really who you are
That's just who they want other people to believe you are if you liked this video hit the thumbs up and if you really liked
It hit the subscribe button. I make new videos sometimes
You guys about that next week and I really hope you guys enjoyed this video today if you did if you want to comment on
Your family experience how you dealt with toxic family members or toxic friends even and then just put that in the comments below
It's awesome when the community can kind of get together and help each other out. All right, guys. I'll see you next time. Mmm
ahh, I
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