Hello friends!
My name is Stacy, and today's episode is brought to you by the complete lack of makeup because
whether or not you wear makeup has nothing to do with your validity.
Also, I tanned out of my winter shade.
#whiteface.
Back in January, I went back to San Francisco for my 8-month follow-up.
I went with my mom, and we went to see some cool little sights in San Fran, and I know
that when I was back in California I would record and document all of my trips, so...
here's that.
Ugh...ugh.
Why it happened...
Blip!
Yeah, I know, right--
So, because the urethra is so much shorter, and it is one of the common things that happens
with women, is UTI's.
Mhm.
So, uh...mom, I'm gonna have you close your ears (laughs) for a moment, but with intercourse...
(laughs) That's okay.
In the future, you're gonna--you're gonna try to drink plenty of water, pee afterwards,
help flush things out, and, uh, lube is excellent to help protect your urethra.
Oh, wow.
I think still we've got a little bit of swelling here, like see...this still has time to come down.
Mhm.
Uhhh, your s--your incisions are healing REALLY well.
Cool!!
Lemme just take a quick photo before we look...
Cool...
inside...and then, have you gone up in size with dilation, or have you stayed
with the purple, or where are you with dilation?
I'm at the green one right now.
Nice!
Now--by the way, I think the orange one is obscene.
(laughs) Okay.
I--I think that's super physiolog--like, that's just not realistic.
Yeah.
So, um...um, I--I don't want you kind of striving for that, and if it's uncomfortable do not
feel like a failure.
Okay.
You're healing really nicely in here!
Oh, thank you!
So, let me just feel inside...
Okay.
Loads of pressure, GYN exam...there's your pubic bone.
And the urethra is right tunneled underneath that, right?
Yeah.
So that's why...good.
Good.
Good!
Excellent!
All right, so, what I think, um, I'm gonna write down some things, you can sit on up...
Okay. (indistinct) And depth-wise you're still good?
I know my fingers can't reach all the way up there.
Yeah, yeah.
It's--I--I've been doing the same depth since I started dilating, so...
Okay!
So...
So yeah, we talked about my persistent UTI's and, like, yeast infection, and all sorts
of great stuff like that.
Dilation, she did, um, you know, an exam, making sure I was healing up properly and
just--I dunno!
It was pretty cool.
It was definitely really nice to be back in the place where it all started, it gave me
all sorts of warm fuzzies and nostalgia!
And seeing all the staff again, seeing Dr. Wittenberg again...it was a very, very nice
time for sure.
I was supposed to have done a follow-up at 3 and 6 months, but I just...didn't, cause...
mental illness.
(chuckles) But, you know, I finally did one, so.
I am planning on doing a 12-13 months follow up this summer, just to put my mind at ease
and just so I know everything's on track!
And I can tell you all about it, and it'll be all cool!!
So, swelling has gone down quite a bit.
It's still--it's--it's not--it's not totally flat, I still got a lotta lip, but I really
prefer that to the alternative of having just nothing except a slit.
I've had BV for most of 2018, and if you don't know what that is, it's bacterial vaginosis.
And a lot of even cis women don't know what that is, cause they've had the good fortune
of never having had to have it.
It's basically like an imbalance of good and bad bacteria in your vagina, where the bad
outweighs the good, and it makes your vagina smell kinda fishy.
Like--I mean, I guess that's kind of an understatement, it smells fucking awful.
It smells like a salmon crawled up your vagina and died in there, and it's been three months
and it's just, like, a decaying rotted corpse.
Like, it's fucking horrible.
And paired with that, of course, is tons of discharge, which means I've just been wearing
pads nonstop, even though, like, it's gotten to the point where my regular discharge--I
don't even--I don't even know what my regular level of discharge is anymore, because I've
had BV for so long, and every time it gets cured it just comes right back, and I THINK
it's because I haven't been taking my probiotics, because, you know, if you think about it,
the antibiotics wipe out everything, and then you're left with, like, pretty much nothing,
so the bad bacteria could totally overwhelm the good bacteria all over again.
But I am taking some lactose-free Activia, and I hope to god that this is my last little
bout of BV for, like, hopefully the rest of my life, cause it sucks, dude. (chuckles)
I'm just always learning more about my vagina every day, and that's not necessarily a bad thing!
Even if it's something crappy like BV, it's still an experience that I've never been able
to have before, and I'm really thankful for that!
Because I prefer this any day to my pre-surgical state, because that...kinda sucked.
I finally rode my bike, because I...realized that it was a lot better than just sitting
at home watching How To Get Away With Murder for 12 hours a day.
I dunno if y'all know this, but I used to be, like, a superstar bicyclist.
Like, not competitive or anything, but I could do, like, 44 miles in a day, back when I was...right--right
before I was about to come out.
So it's been really nice being able to get back on the bike and do something I haven't
done in forever, and it's so freeing, and so comfortable compared to how I tried to
do it when I was in the midst of my transition.
It's really nice not having to sit directly on your urethra the entire time.
It's not 100% comfortable, just because I don't have all, like, the proper gear for
it yet.
There's, like, a lotta chafing that I've been getting lately on my longer, like, 10-12 mile
rides, but I got this at the bike shop the other day, it's like...some sort of lubricant
for your undercarriage, and you're supposed to wear it with, like, bike shorts, so I guess
I have to get THOSE now, but...it's probably for the better so that I don't get all sorts
of irritation up in my junk.
As for pain, I haven't felt ANY in ages.
I literally cannot remember the last time it was that I felt any sort of pain in that
area, surgical-related.
Also, I had a lot of oversensitivity, like, in my clit, and just that general area for
the longest time.
And after about, like, the sixth month point it FINALLY went down, thank GOD.
And it's pretty great, cause, now I know my vagina does everything that it's supposed
to do, and honestly?
Not cumming for 6 months is fucking torture, and it is probably--no, it is DEFINITELY worse
than the pain you experience.
It's something that you're used to being able to do really easily, because when you have
external genitalia, it's--it's a no-brainer to figure out, like, how to pleasure yourself,
even after HRT when things, like, change around a little bit.
But this is, like, a completely different story, cause everything's just, like, all
up in there!
Honestly y'all, you really have to try everything.
Just...try fingers, try vibrators, try dildos, shower heads, going over the hood, going under
the hood, someone else's face--with their consent...there's really no wrong way to do it.
Just, you have to figure out what works for you.
Don't feel inadequate either, cause it takes most cis women a decade or two to figure it
out, if they even figure it out, so, you know...six months is pretty impressive compared to that.
I know a lotta y'all are worried about sensation after surgery cause y'all always tell me about
it, but honestly I don't think y'all have anything to worry about.
Like, even my friends who have had to have numerous revisions from, like, botched surgeries
can still, like, have an orgasm.
And that's really great, it's...kinda comforting.
Well, retroactively, but y'know.
Anyways, I'm finally up to this thing, which is...holy crap, like, look at how big that
is!
That was probably one of the most difficult size-ups of my life, but now it's incredibly
convenient because, you know, I can go two whole days without dilating, and that's just
so great, especially because I'm me and I never budget enough time for anything.
So, it's really great just being able to do it kind of at my own convenience.
Speaking of dilation, I actually "lost some depth" in...what, like February or something?
I realized that I had actually been dilating shallow--shallower and shallower throughout
these months, and I figured out something very important (and I'll link to the Twitter
thread in which I explain this in full) but that myth about "losing depth", it--it's--you
know, it's a fuckin' myth, dude.
Once you're fully healed (3 mos.) your vagina cannot close up or fuse together if you don't
dilate.
That--that just can't happen, and it's like you're exercising a muscle, like if you were
a professional weightlifter or something and you stopped using your arms for years and
they were just completely atrophied, that doesn't mean you'll never be able to lift
anything again!
It just means you need to, like, stop, like, putting high expectations upon yourself and
just take it really really slowly!
I started off with just a finger, and then moved up to the purple, then blue, then green,
then finally I'm at orange again.
I've heard that myth so fucking often, and I believed it myself, up until it actually
happened to me and I was like, "wait, like, this isn't the end of the world, I can actually
fix this!"
And now I'm back to full depth.
So...yeah, that--that makes me a little angry when people perpetuate that, because it's
completely untrue, and it's just...fearmongering, basically.
But yeah, um...so, it's kind of weird and kind of really exciting being able to, like,
have sex?
I mean, I haven't done it yet, but it could happen at, like, any moment, like, that's
just--that's just cool to me, y'know?
That is a very new...feeling and experience for me, is that I can, like--if I were to
date someone then maybe someday we could have sex, and like, that's...that's weird.
That's cool!
You know?
That's exciting!
I hope it happens soon, because I've been waiting a very long time, and I'm getting
kind of impatient.
But yeah, y'know?
We just...have to see what happens, and y'all know that I'll report back to you the second
it does, cause I'm just gonna be way too stoked about it, and a lot of people really want
to know how that is, and there's really not a lot of information about it!
Especially compared to, like, anything that happened before.
So, you know, that is--that is a very cool thing that I'm definitely looking forward
to, and...that is all I have to say for y'all today.
I hope y'all have a great rest of your day, and...I suppose that I will see you next time.
Bye!
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