If I were a more famous YouTube personality this review would probably go something like
this: "Ax Battler?!
More like Ass Battler!"
But I'm not James Rolfe (or even a good impersonator) so I should probably elaborate
on what exactly makes Ax Battler complete and utter garbage.
Where do I even begin?
The fact that the titular "Ax" Battler carries a sword?
Nah.
Ooo!
How about the encounter rate!?
Some portions of the over world are more grievous offenders than others – the desert area
in particular would spawn a new battle every other step.
This would be infuriating in any other RPG but it's made worse by the fact that grinding
in Ax Battler is absolutely pointless.
You don't gain stats or even levels.
If you can defeat the enemy you'll gain a few magic vases – which double as both
money and MP.
But if the enemy hits you – once – it's battle over.
In my personal experience I lose way more often than I win (seriously these jumping
skeletons are total dicks).
So what effectually happens is I slug my way to the dungeon with half health.
Thanks game.
Not like this shit wasn't hard enough already.
Appreciate the fucking support.
Cock-anyway…
The dungeons are the real meat of the gameplay; these side scrolling platform areas would
be fun if it weren't for the game's awful hit detection, mud controls, and limited field
of view.
Like most platformers on the Game Gear, Ax Battler suffers from an abundance of off screen
hazards and leaps of guessing.
It takes much trial and error before you'll memorize where to jump and when to attack
and thanks to your minimal health supply you'll die often and be forced to trek back across
the over world before you can try again – and again – and again.
Dying is annoying, not only because, well you're dead - but because it zeroes out
your already small stash of magic vases – the game's impractical form of currency.
Theoretically you could spend these on astronomical inn rates – but what's the point when
dying warps you back to town with full health?
Vases are also the necessary components for the magic you'll never cast.
I assume that your more expensive spells could really help clear out the tougher dungeon
opponents but what the fuck do I know?
I've never been able to afford them.
Then you have this pointless RPG fluff; at first glance Ax Battler looks like a more
colorful version of Dragon Warrior – which normally I would love – but it's been
so poorly implemented that it detracts from the potentially-enjoyable action bits.
You will have to talk to the incredibly boring NPCs to uncover quest directions but this
is never more than tedious busy work.
There's zero equipment to buy and because of the lack of experience system your character
undergoes minimal growth.
You'll finish out the game almost as awkwardly and underpowered as you began – while the
enemies continue to get tougher and stronger.
I say "minimal growth" because every town houses a trainer who, upon defeat, will teach
you a special move – such as taping forward twice and attack to bum rush your foes or
simply jumping while swinging – the attacks that increase you damage are appreciated but
the system is inherently flawed.
Had these basic moves been available from the start of the game and the trainer system
used exclusively for increasing attack power, Ax Battler would have had a fun and robust
combat system – much like any other Golden Axe title.
However as the system is implemented, you'll likely resort to spamming Ax's most powerful
attack.
While good RPG-em-ups exist, Ax Battler's RPG trappings only serve to hold the player
back and prevent them from going totally berserk on Death Adder's lackies.
Alright rant over.
So the game sucks?
But does it have any redeeming qualities at all?
Uh, well I guess the main character is pretty fucking metal: "Axxxxxx Battleeeeer!"
Yeah.
Look; the Gamegear RPG library gets better.
I promise.
But you could literally play anything else for the system and have a perfectly enjoyable
weekend.
So let's forget this unfortunate disappointment and stay tuned to Daria Plays for more "Unepic
Adventures for the Sega GameGear".
You know what?
Before I let you go let me reiterate just in case I didn't get my point across.
Ax Battler: fuck this game.
Fuck fuck this terrible fucking game.
Fucking hard unfair fucking ass piece of shit fucking ass game.
There you go; don't play it.
Fucking game.
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