- [StyleLikeU] So you were saying earlier - I just wanna look hot.
- [StyleLikeU] What?
What did you say?
- [Jessie] I just, I want to come off as confident,
and cool, and hot.
- [StyleLikeU] You are confident and cool and hot.
- [Jessie] It's like, I'm a feminist,
but I also want to be fuckable.
So there's these two sides of me,
that it's like I still want to be hot.
And fuck the patriarchy,
except like I want the patriarchy to have sex with me.
Like I will show you my pussy,
but I don't want to show you my stomach.
You know, like, I don't want it to all hang out.
And it's like Beyonce has bad days.
I mean, I don't know, I haven't talked to her in a while.
She's not texting me back right now.
But it's like she struggles with it.
Because I think being a woman and being strong,
and I'll get all this love
and it's like "Oh I love your show!
I love what you're doing. I love you.
I love you, and you're like "Oh, thank you so much."
and you get all this validation,
but you're like, but I'm still,
I'm not an Instagram post,
I'm a human being that's layered and has conflict.
- [StyleLikeU] Right, can you talk about
how what you're wearing reflects you?
- It's like an acid trip took Adderall.
When I have stuff that's really tight on me,
and like, pulling at me,
it just makes me feel gross.
I feel sexy as fuck in like an oversized t-shirt
that's really comfortable.
Like that to me is like sexier than a thong,
because I actually feel better.
I have a booty and titties
and I like fashion that embraces that
and doesn't try to constrain me
and make me want to be smaller.
- [StyleLikeU] What assumptions do you think
people make about you at first glance
or based on your style?
- As I'm in recovery from an eating disorder,
this is one of the things that I've realized like,
I feel stuff very intensely.
I think people think that I'm crazy
and really tortured and really upset,
because I talk about my shit
and I talk about shit that's going on.
And so people will be like, are you okay?
You know, and to me, I am okay because I'm so open.
Like when I was pretending that everything was okay
and I was walking around and being like,
"Hey I'm Jessie! Joke joke joke!
I'm always great! I'm always funny! I'm always on!"
And then going home and puking
or drinking myself stupid
or being inappropriate with mean boys.
Like that's crazy.
This is just like being honest.
It's not: oh my god, I'm PMSing so I'm so crazy,
it's like: oh I'm PMSing, so I'm feeling,
so I'm aware, so how can I use this
to better myself and better the world
and help other people feel their emotional truth?
- [StyleLikeU] Can you talk about the first time
you remember or your early memories
of using food as a buffer to your feelings?
- Yeah, I remember I was 16 years old.
I had to drive a long way to school,
and so my parents gave me a credit card,
so that I could buy gas.
And I remember going to the store
and just buying food,
and my dad would always watch TV in the living room.
So I would like get home
and I would take this food and I would put it
on my body, like I would put Pop Tarts
like in my bra, you know?
I would put like nacho cheese dip
in my pocket, like the can of it.
I would be hiding it
and literally, like this food would be hugging me.
And I would sneak up into my room
and it would be like this rush, you know?
And that was the way for me to check out
and numb out, and take in all of this love.
And the thing about bulimia and purging
is it's this almost like ritual...
ritualistic thing where you're like on your knees,
you're purging all this
and you're getting it all out.
And I was like: man I've had all these feelings
that I don't know what to do with,
they're so big, I don't know how to handle them,
I don't know who to give them to,
so if I can just get rid of them myself...
I felt like I had found the golden ticket to life.
- [StyleLikeU] At that time what was your relationship
to sort of like your physical appearance?
- I mean that's the crazy thing.
I was so thin then
and I felt like 500 pounds.
I was like hairy,
I always had a lot of hair
and dark and you know,
and I just always felt too much
in my body.
I was muscular, I got boobs young
and I just felt like I was taking up
way too much space.
- [StyleLikeU] Where were you getting that feeling from?
- I just remember looking at Delia's catalogs, you know?
(laughs)
No no no no, American Girl catalogs,
you know? And you're like ooh...
I always wanted to be Felicity
and Molly, and you know, just like sweet pretty girls.
I wanted to be adorable.
And I think what's scary is that
I was such a fucking great actress,
even to myself.
Like if you met me,
you'd be like oh that girl's like so funny.
And she plays soccer and she's a stoner,
like I wasn't your typical, you know,
cheerleader that's like puking in the locker room
and everyone's worried about her,
because she's passing out, because she's so skinny.
I was a feminist at 15 with braces.
I would eat to the point usually where I was in pain,
because I was so full.
And then I would eat ice cream,
and that would help it all come up.
- [StyleLikeU] In the rest of your life,
were you just eating a little bit?
Or like, what was your public eating?
- You know, I always ordered the salad.
I think there was a level of restriction
that was acceptable restriction, to be a girl.
- [StyleLikeU] And did that restriction
make you want to rebel against it?
- That restriction made me fucking hungry.
You know, not to like shit on Oprah,
but I see these Oprah commercials,
and it's like "You can have bread,
just control it and will it"
and it makes me so sad,
because I go back to the 17 year old me
that's like 'Just get this under control.
Just get your weight under control,
and then you won't need to vomit anymore.'
And it's hell, it's totally hell.
For me, what really got me wanting to get
into recovery really was like, my grandpa died
and I was really close with my grandpa
and he passed away and I just remember
being at his funeral and just being obsessed
with like feeling fat
and looking fat. And not really being able
to mourn my grandpa's death.
I was driving with my girlfriend,
one of my girlfriends, and she was like, you know,
we were just talking
and I was like "Yeah, I used to be bulimic
and I'm not anymore
and here are all the things I did to get better."
And she was like, "Oh my god, you're amazing."
And I was like, "I know, I am amazing."
And went inside my apartment
and I ate all the food in my entire apartment.
Like, mustard. Like everything in my apartment.
And was just like this is insanity.
This level of denial is insanity.
I am an addict.
I will always have this,
even though I'm in recovery.
This is always gonna be a part of me,
and I think that's actually healthy,
because for me, I get into trouble
when it's like 'No no no no, I got this.
Like, I know how to do this.' Like, no no no no,
I am always two feet away
from being on my hands and knees pantsless,
eating birthday cake.
I mean it would be like saying to a heroin addict,
"Okay, okay, don't do heroin,
but three times a day, do just like a little bit of heroin
in like a healthy way." Right?
Like it's not like we can stop eating food.
Not to get too Jew-y, but there is this thing
in Judaism that I love
that's like the most holy man in the Torah
is not the prophet.
It's the man who's fallen and risen.
Recovering from my eating disorder
has taught me what it means to be a woman.
It's taught me how to inhabit myself and my body,
and confront my own shame
and how to deal with anger
and how to deal with trying to have all this control
and letting go, and having to take up space.
Just recognizing that I'm thinking of myself like
I'm just this this little worker bee.
And I'm just here to do my job,
and tell the truth and make art
and be helpful to people
and hopefully get laid.
And do all or these things,
but that I am not controlling and running the show.
The industry can so easily become like your god.
It's so seductive.
You can fucking love my show
and you can renew it for a second season,
and then you can give me a raise
and you can do whatever you want.
That's amazing. But it's not going to heal me.
And that fucking sucks.
Because it would be so much easier if it did.
But it's the same thing as the flat stomach.
I used to really honestly believe
like if I had a flat stomach,
then my life would be perfect.
So now it's like what's helping me
is the universe is like open and so big
and what can I do to be grounded, but open?
Because all day I just want to close.
That's been my experience with relationships.
I let myself be open and vulnerable
and then all of a sudden, I'm bleeding.
(laughs)
- [StyleLikeU] Totally.
- If I can have a relationship
that can see me, where I can be seen,
you know what I mean?
Like ahhh.
Like forget the sex, forget all of that stuff.
Forget dinners. It's like: You see me? Ahhh.
And I've had it before,
and it's amazing.
But what I'm trying to work on
is like: can I see myself?
I don't want to be with like a dick pic.
(laughing)
I want like a human person.
And I think that's the thing too, is like,
I'm like oh my god, I'm so lonely,
and I don't want to be around anyone.
Like I'm so lonely, but I hate people,
- [StyleLikeU] Yeah, yeah.
- So it's kind of a weird place to be.
I'm looking at cats.
(laughs)
- [StyleLikeU] When was the last time you cried?
- [Jessie] This morning.
(laughs)
Um, yeah this morning.
- [StyleLikeU] Why?
(sighs)
- I just want to say it's because
of world peace and Syria and the election,
but it was because I was feeling frustrated
about my body.
And my body not looking how I want it to look
for this shoot.
(sighs)
Next question.
- [StyleLikeU] What do you love the most about your body?
- Oh my god, where do I start?
I think I have an awesome ass.
I didn't realize that, until I started dating a black guy.
And then I was like, whoa! Yeah... what's up, yoga pants?
I'm like, "What are you looking at?
What are you hollering at?" And then it's like oh.
- [StyleLikeU] When do you feel the most beautiful?
- After I've had an orgasm, I feel really beautiful.
That's why sex and masterbating is like so good,
because, try it, you cannot be like...
You can not have an orgasm
and say you're fat.
It doesn't work.
It literally pushes out all the negative thoughts.
So I find it really helpful.
Actually can you give me a minute?
(laughing)
- [StyleLikeU] Why in your body, why in your skin,
in your journey, why is it a good place to be?
- It's unexpected and unknown.
Like I don't know what the fuck
is gonna happen.
But I know that I'll always be having fun
and laughing at the darkest shit.
(laughs)
I think making art and laughing
has saved my life.
- [StyleLikeU] How do you feel now?
- [Jessie] I feel good.
I feel better than I thought.
- Thank you so much for watching our video
and for being such an incredible supporter of Stylelikeu.
- We're Elisa and Lily,
a mother and daughter on a mission
to inspire acceptance by revealing
what's underneath personal style.
- Through radically honest docu-style videos,
we are leading the fashion and beauty industries
towards self-love, diversity and inclusion.
- Join our movement by following us on Instagram,
subscribing to our YouTube channel
and buying our new book today.
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